Arachnoquake (2012)

arachnoquakeArachnoquake (2012)

Directed by: Griff Furst

Starring: Tracey Gold, Edward Furlong, Bug Hall

one-star

When you sit down to watch a made-for-the-SyFy Channel movie called Arachnoquake, certain things have to have happened in your life. For instance, you have to have completely given up on ever having any sort of self-pride, because this is not the kind of movie you can just pretend you accidentally switched to it if someone else comes in and sees you. They’d still be like, “Arachnoquake? Really? I think it’s time we had that intervention, Larry.” Also your name has to be Larry.

A tour bus of New Orleans gets knocked off course when a giant hole opens in the ground and huge spiders crawl out of it and poison and kill people. People die off one by one to spider attacks until the army comes in and finishes them off. Also some idiot and his dad Neelix help out.

It’s pretty much what you’d expect from a spiders-killing-people movie; a bunch of idiots running around screaming and yelling “Move Move Move!” The name of the game with these movies is to do the same thing as always, while also combining elements so weird that it piques the viewer’s interest. In that respect, they succeeded. It’s not very hard to do, but they did it. Congratulations.

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