Directed by: Paco Cabezas
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Rachel Nichols, Max Ryan
Remember that movie Taken with Liam Neeson where his daughter gets taken and he has to go save her? Well, WHAT IF! You had that exact same movie only it was Nicolas Cage instead of Neeson and there was a lot of pointless torture sequences? Good thing Rage exists so you don’t have to tax your imagination coming up with that far-fetched scenario!
Cage is an ex-con who’s teenage daughter gets killed and he suspect an old rival gang of taking her out in revenge for an old hit. He gathers his old gang buddies, who are all super amazing commandos for some reason, and they single-handedly take out the evil gang which, as it turns out, had absolutely nothing to do with his daughter. She was killed on accident because she and her teen friends were playing with a gun they found in a scene taken straight out of an after-school special. Joke’s on Cage and all those people he murdered, I guess!
Nicolas Cage is one of those guys like William Shatner who’s just become a parody of himself because that’s how the public perceives them. The result is that he just gets worse and more skull-poppingly insane with every new movie that comes out. We can only hope that he pops a vein in his neck and is put on permanent hiatus from screaming in front of a camera sometime soon or we’re going to have to deal with a 70 year old Cage frothing in rage over a dog crapping on his yard in some Gran Turino ripoff down the line. I don’t want that. I don’t.
Directed by: Akihito Shiota
Starring: Satoshi Tsumabuki, Ko Shibasaki, Kiichi Nakai
Boy, this was a weird one. The best way I can describe the tone of the film is that it’s somewhere between Rurouni Kenshin, Power Rangers, and Lexx. It’s quirky as fuck and when I tried to explain the important plot points of the first 30 minutes to my wife when she came in late, it took nearly 30 minutes to do so. I enjoyed it.
An evil emperor performs a dark magic ritual, sacrificing his unborn son’s organs and body parts to become all-powerful. The devil he deals with turns all those body parts into evil monsters that roam the land, and the baby is born looking like a weird squishy potato. His mom obviously throws him away, but he’s taken in by a weird Geppetto-ish guy who builds arms and eyes and things for the kid. He grows up to be a mysterious swordsman who’s swords are actually embedded in his elbows and pop out when he pulls his arms off. I told you it was weird. He meets a chipper young lady thief who pushes him to defeat the monsters and regain his organs, and eventually they go on to face the emperor himself.
This movie’s pretty cute, and the practical effects they do for the monsters are charming and creative… and VERY Power Rangers-ey. I don’t have a clue how they came up with the premise for this story, but nobody could say it’s not creative. Apparently it’s based on a manga from the 60’s, which explains the film’s biggest flaw: it tries to cram WAY too much into just an hour and a half and can be hard to follow at times because of the complexity and weirdness of its premise. So basically it’s just a movie you have to pay attention to, and you’ll be rewarded with a fun, colorful action adventure story from the mind of an insane person.
Big Ass Spider! (2013)
Directed by: Mike Mendez
Starring: Lin Shaye, Ray Wise, Greg Grunberg
Do you like your giant monster fighting SyFy original movies with an extra helping of hate and racism? If you thought you had to confine yourself to the films of the 40’s and 50’s, there’s good news! Big Ass Spider! is one of the most casually racist and sexist films I’ve seen in a long time, and also you should kill yourself.
A genetically modified spider (using DNA from microbes found on Mars, no less) escapes the military into a hospital where it runs crazy killing people and melting off their faces sometimes just for kicks. A terrible human being and exterminator with a major in spiderology just happens to be there, and he and his racist caricature Mexican security guard friend must stop it before it becomes huge and terrorizes the town. And once they fail at that, they just have to stop it.
This is a tremendously stupid movie. Every joke in the film is just “ha ha, look at that guy! He’s from Mexico!”, all the deaths are boring and the effects are really, really terrible. There’s no redeeming quality to a film named Big Ass Spider!, surprisingly enough.
Pain & Gain (2013)
Directed by: Michael Bay
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson, Anthony Mackie
You mean to tell me that the all-star lineup of The Rock, Marky Mark, and Michael “An Explosion Sucking Off A Volcano” Bay produced a shitty heist movie about bodybuilders? You don’t say, what are the odds.
So that’s what happens. Three idiot bodybuilders decide to kidnap Tony Shalhoub (who I normally like but who is just awful in this one) for ransom, and botch it up to the point where they all end up dying in various explosions.
Every second of this movie made me want to cut my head off and fill my skull with rubbing alcohol, but that being said, this is probably the most acting I’ve ever seen out of Dwayne Johnson, it’s a very different role for him, and he actually ACTS. Well! Who woulda thunkit, right? Well anyway, do not ever watch this movie, for the love of Jesus Christ and His holy cousins.
Apocalpyse Earth (2013)
Directed by: Thunder Levin
Starring: Adrian Paul, Richard Grieco, Bali Rodriguez
I don’t know anything about this movie. I watched it, oh yes I watched it. I know from a scientific standpoint that it’s Duncan MacLeod in a cheap Predator ripoff that ends the same way as Planet of the Apes. But these are just facts I learned from watching the film, not actual memories of it. That’s the end of the review, I have no more information.