Directed by: Don Bluth, Gary Goldman
Starring: Meg Ryan, John Cusack, Christopher Lloyd
Oh Don Bluth, trying so hard to be Disney after they fired him. It’s kinda like Dave Mustaine getting kicked out of Metallica so he went and started Megadeth. You know, except that there’s nothing cool about this story.
Anastasia is the story of two con artists who find a young Russian girl and try to pass her off as the missing heir to the Tsar’s throne. One of them (John Cusack) falls in love with the girl because she’s Meg Ryan so he tries to stop the whole scheme, but it turns out that Rasputin is haunting them from Hell with his black magic and talking bat sidekick. Didn’t expect that, didja?
Putting aside the fact that the animation looks like a shitty hackjob knockoff of the 80’s Disney style, the story is befuddled and constantly trying to maintain some form of cohesion, but it never comes together. Also it’s a goddamn waste to have Christopher Lloyd as a crazy evil wizard and then he doesn’t ever do anything except sing songs from The Lion King and talk to Hank Azaria as a bat. The Meg Ryan/John Cusack love story is about as 90’s as you could possibly get, but at least you don’t have to look at Cusack’s smug fucking face the whole time.
Kronk’s New Groove (2005)
Directed by: Saul Blinkoff, Elliot M. Bour, Robin Steele
Kronk’s New Groove. What can you even say about Kronk’s New Groove? It’s a sequel to The Emperor’s New Groove, and it’s very, VERY clearly a video repackaging of some episodes from a failed TV show. The all-star cast from the first movie all come back for two or three lines, except for Patrick Warburton who of course would give the same performance if he were doing a commercial for peas. It’s so fucking terrible it makes me want to burn a barn to the ground, and that’s not even imagery related to the film.
Kronk, the villain’s sidekick from the first movie, fulfills his dream by buying and operating a restaurant at the top of a hill, thus allowing him to live his own life out of the grasp of his controlling father, who he reunites with at the end of the film. Also in the middle part he’s a boy scout leader and he falls in love with a girl scout leader.
Do you want to see a movie that allows David Spade to break in and ad-lib in place of commercial breaks? If you answered “yes”, get the fuck out right now what the FUCK is wrong with you Jesus Christ Almighty. If movies were made by mining mines and each mine contained a movie, and this movie had used the same mine as the first movie just to get all the little bits that were left, that would be a bad metaphor. Far too confusing. I’m going to bed now, night!
Cop Dog (2008)
Directed by: John Murlowski
Starring: Billy Unger, Stephanie Michels, Cassi Thomson
What could be more fun than a movie about a cop who’s a dog? ONLY A DOG COP BASKETBALL PLAYER THAT’S ONLY WHAT!!
So this cop dies and his ghost haunts his dog which drives the dog to commit suicide. The cop’s son deals with the death of his dad by imagining the ghost of his dog there helping him solve the case of who left the manhole open that his dad fell down and died in. That’s actually how this cop dies in this movie, because it’s SO G-rated that it can’t even imply that the bad guys murdered somebody. Though it does show a dog getting hit by a car in a much more graphic scene than most toddlers might like.
Of the perplexingly wide trope of movies about dogs solving crimes, this is probably the worst one I’ve seen. It’s too juvenile for the kids the age that they are in the movie. I don’t know who this was made for, maybe four year olds who’s dad just recently died? Seems kinda fucked up to show them that sort of imagery if that’s the case. Fuck you, guys who made Cop Dog. You probably make children cry.
Scooby-Doo! Mask of the Blue Falcon (2012)
Directed by: Michael Goguen
Starring: Frank Welker, Mindy Cohn, Grey DeLisle
I know I say this for every single review but god DAMN am I so far behind on these that I’ve completely forgotten most of these movies. I’m so responsible. Not that there’s a whole lot of a Scooby-Doo movie that really warrants remembering in the first place. Oh no I forgot the part where they eat a craaaazy sandwich! The tapestry of my life has faded in the most important area.
Don’t get your hopes up, this is not a Batman-style buddy cop crossover with the old 60’s cartoon superhero Blue Falcon and the Mystery Inc. Gang. Or… maybe you weren’t hoping for that. Anyway, it’s about an actor who used to play Blue Falcon on a fictional TV show, and how he has to come back and save the day after someone tries to stop a gritty reboot of his show from being made into a shitty movie.
It’s a lot like every one of this awful trope, where some idiot writer thinks that the 60’s Batman was better than Tim Burton’s version of the character and wow, what IF Adam West had to save the day?! Not only was there this exact same idea (done a million times better) on the 90’s Batman animated series, but Scooby-Doo itself has done this plot at least three or four times. Also, how in the hell do people still think this is relevant in fucking 2012? I’m pretty sure everyone has had their say in how stupid the “gritty reboot” syndrome is, and it hasn’t stopped Hollywood from believing that it’s still the best and/or only idea for comic book movies. But what do I know, maybe this direct-to-video movie seen only by myself and the kids who saw it on Cartoon Network in the middle of the day is what’s really going to change the tide.
Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Directed by: Peter Ramsey
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Alec Baldwin, Isla Fisher
My boss actually made me watch this piece of shit. She insisted that it was a cute and fun kids’ movie, which I could tell was clearly not true just from seeing the trailer, but I wouldn’t be able to fully deconstruct just how awful of a film it was without seeing the damn thing first. I suffer just so I can be a smug dick to people I work with. You should be glad you’re only having to interact with me over the internet.
So here’s the deal: The Boogeyman is out to give all kids in the world nightmares and/or kill them, so the Man in the Moon calls together a task force consisting of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the Sandman, and Jack Frost to stop him. All of these characters are wacky and stick very closely to a well-known character archetype and are portrayed as all being amazingly badass for some reason. Fucking why.
Every single angstrom of this film contains a hundred “wrong” things. There are no redeeming qualities. Instead of cute, it hits both incredibly dark and creepy. Instead of being fun in any way, it’s mostly just got Hugh Jackman yelling at people. Alec Baldwin does a Russian voice for a tattooed Santa Claus in what I honestly believe is his worst performance of his career. Don’t see this movie, burn it. There should be a factory recall for this movie, then they should just dig a big ol’ hole and put all the DVDs in there because the EPA said so. It’s very bad.