3 Days to Kill (2014)
Directed by: McG
Starring: Kevin Costner, Hailee Steinfeld, Connie Nielsen
Apparently this movie was directed by famous Scottish rapper MC G, well known for his other smash hits like Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle and the music video for The Offspring’s “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy). Not sure how he convinced Costner to be in a movie he didn’t also direct and produce and write and gaff, but he really shouldn’t have bothered.
Kevin Costner, 59 years old, is the most amazing super spy James Bond style guy ever. Unfortunately, he also has cancer, and only three months left to live. He decides to reunite with his estranged family after being kicked out of the CIA. His teenage daughter wants nothing to do with him, and to make things even more awkward, a hot young goth girl hires him to kill an albino in return for giving him an experimental cure (for cancer! That you just inject into your blood like, four times!), all the while disgustingly trying to get into his haggard cowboy pants. Will Costner reconnect with his daughter (his wife is estranged too, but he doesn’t seem to care)? Will he find and kill the bad guy and a hundred other vaguely connected people while asking them for relationship advice? Will he find time for naps in between shootouts? The answer to all these questions and more, is yes.
It’s kinda like they took two completely different movies together. There’s the actiony Jason Statham style secret agent fighting terrorists bit, then he turns right around and it’s a soulful family film about a deadbeat dad trying to make his teen daughter like him. AND BOTH OF THEM ARE DONE POORLY. Old Kevin Costner is not the guy to star in your shoot-em-up action movie, first off, and if you’re going to do the tired cliche of a dad with a past trying to make his estranged daughter like him, for the love of god do something, ANYTHING different with the tired premise. At least it’s only about two hours long, when I saw the words “Kevin Costner” I bundled up for the winter, expecting it to be 3 or 5 hours at least.
Directed by: Alex March
Starring: Richard Roundtree, Michael Lerner, Paul Le Mat
What’s the best place to jump down when you’re in a burning building? SHAFT! This web site contains not just very up-to-date and relevant jokes, but also fire safety lessons. What other movie review sites will help you stay alive? NONE. THAT’S FUCKING RIGHT NONE.
So Shaft is a black fireman in a racist white firehouse. Like… the people who work there are white and racist. The house itself is red, and I don’t even think houses can be racist just because they aren’t alive or anything. Why would you assume that’s what I meant? Dummy. Anyway, the racist white guys don’t like the black guy until he saves the most racistest guy from a fire and then they all agree that racism is gone forever.
Richard Roundtree kinda looks like Groucho Marx up there in that DVD cover, doesn’t he?
Love is Forever (1983)
Directed by: Hall Bartlett
Starring: Michael Landon, Laura Gemser, Jürgen Prochnow
One of my favorite side effects of the modern information age, where just about every old piece of media is available for consumption, is all the shitty made-for-TV movies that are out there, but nobody really wants to see them. So what do they do? A couple companies decided to burn them to the cheapest DVDs possible, sell 50 of ’em at a time for ten bucks and if they sell a couple, they’ve made back their investment. And I just happen to be the one guy who wants to see all those shitty movies nobody likes. In a way… I’m a HERO.
Michael Landon (of Bonanza fame) is an American reporter and spy in Laos during the Vietnam conflict, and he falls in love with a native girl. Unfortunately, the communist leader of the area, Jürgen Prochnow, is also in love with her and challenges the American to a boxing match. The German (why is a German there?) loses the fight, so he captures the American and exiles him from Laos. Michael Landon’s plan to get back to his love is simple: learn how to scuba dive, then scuba dive his way into the Laotian village to rescue her! It goes off without a hitch… until the military forces guarding the village shoot him.
I don’t really get what the guy’s plan was supposed to be. He wasn’t going to sneak the girl out because he didn’t have an extra set of scuba equipment, and also they made a big deal out of having to train to get good enough at scuba-ing to get in there in the first place. So… what was his plan? Just… go in there and get shot, I guess? Also yes, this does mean that there is a ton of underwater scuba diving footage in this movie, and yes, it is extremely boring.
Valley Girl (1983)
Directed by: Martha Coolidge
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Deborah Foreman, Elizabeth Daily
What could be worse than an 80’s movie about teen girls and their relationships? Answer: An 80’s movie about teen girls and their relationships with Nicolas Cage! Like, this movie is totally pukesville, ugh omigosh.
A girl from The Valley falls in love with a loser Nicolas Cage from The City, and his punk attitude goes against her friends’ suburban sensibilities, leading to predictable teen drama.
Ugh, I have nothing to say about this movie. I grew up with this kind of shit and I’ll be happy if I never have to see any of these John Hughes angsty teen romance dramas ever again. For that matter, I’ll be happy if I never see another Nicolas Cage movie again.
James Dean (1976)
Directed by: Robert Butler
Starring: Michael Brandon, Stephen McHattie, Brooke Adams
The biopic is a genre of film I’ve never really gotten into. Especially when we’re talking about the life story of an actor, who’s very job definition means that the most interesting things they will ever be involved in are fake people they are portraying in movies or plays or whatever. I guess it’s all just part of that weird idolization that comes with being famous; people see actors in movies where they portray remarkable people, and start to believe that the actors themselves are remarkable beyond the point that they seem to project… because they’re all actually just normal people. Normal people with a high-visibility job.
James Dean’s life involves him trying to be an actor, and then succeeding, and then dying. I think there’s some romantic drama involved too, I honestly don’t remember.
James Dean wasn’t even that remarkable of an actor, he just died at a very young age. While that sounds like it could make for a compelling drama, to really make a death meaningful and worthwhile in a story, the life has to be equally compelling. For real people, that just doesn’t happen, which means to make a film adaptation of that you’ll have to make a bunch of shit up. And if you do that… well, it’s not really a movie about that person, is it? It’s a story about the idealized character vaguely based off that person. Once you get to that point we’re just talking about fiction, and really why limit yourself to vaguely being about a real person’s life? All it does is give your story unnecessary limits and ultimately makes the whole thing suffer. But it’s a name that people recognize, so I guess that’s enough of a reason to do it, because you can capitalize on the already fucked up hero worship given to actors. I’m feeling kinda negative about this whole concept, if you can’t tell.