Category Archives: Porn

Red Riding Hood XXX (2010)

red riding hood xxxRed Riding Hood XXX (2010)

Directed by: Ashlynn Brooke

Starring: Lexi Belle, James Franko, Danny Mountain

one-star

Red Riding Hood is such an old fairy tale, and one we all hear when we’re kids, it’s not surprising at all that there are a million porn versions of it out there. I think this one is specifically “parodying” a more recent film version of the story, but I haven’t seen it. Still, it’s very obvious to see how the situation of an innocent young girl being prayed on by an evil older man with questionable motives can be sexualized. And yet they still fucked it up big time.

You know the story of Red Riding Hood, right? Well, this is the same thing, except the “big, bad wolf” is played by some loser in a black wifebeater and really terrible fake sideburns that keep almost falling off. I know you don’t expect good production values from porn, and I am quite thankful they decided on that over a dude in a fursuit or something horrifying like that, but… come on.

When I sat down to watch a Red Riding Hood porn parody, I told myself the one and only criteria it would need to meet would be if it included the line, “My, what a big cock you have!” and this movie did not. So I give this movie an F-.


The Office: A XXX Parody Episode 2 (2010)

office xxx 2The Office: A XXX Parody Episode 2 (2010)

Directed by: Lee Roy Myers

Starring: Ashlynn Brooke, Dane Cross, James Deen

one-star

You know what they say about the sequel never being as good as the original, right? Here I was, ranting and raving about the first The Office XXX Parody and the second one just lets me down so much. It’s a damn shame, this porn parody sequel.

It’s… like the hit TV show The Office, but… people have sex with each other for no reason. And it’s not funny at all. Which is still in keeping with the last couple seasons of that show, ugh.

The first movie had a kind of charm to it, in that it tried to keep in the spirit of the show, but this one just kinda falls flat. They put the porn version of Creed in a sex scene. Nobody wants to watch Creed have sex. Ever. And for some reason, the girl who plays Kelly’s porn counterpart is white. I don’t like it.


Snow White XXX: An Axel Braun Parody (2014)

snow white xxxSnow White XXX: An Axel Braun Parody (2014)

Directed by: Axel Braun

Starring: Riley SteeleJessica DrakeRyan Driller

one-star

In my life I’ve seen the classic fairy tale of Snow White done in so many different pornographic ways that the story itself is disgusting to me. That being said, they manage to completely fuck up the porn version of Snow White to the point where it’s just awful and boring. Doing a grimdark version of a fairy tale follows different rules when it’s a porn version, since porn has never been marketed towards kids, so that’s not really something that you’re overcoming by making things gritty. You gotta amp it up a whole hell of a lot more to get it to be even the slightest bit shocking, so when you halfass it, it comes out tamer than a traditional porn take on the story would be, and it’s just comical and awful. Maybe I’m thinking about this whole thing too much, but isn’t too much thought better than none at all?

You know the story of Snow White. There’s an evil queen who gets jealous of a pretty girl, so she sends a guy out to kill her. He can’t do it and hides her away and just tells the queen he killed her, but she’s all evil and magical and figures it out anyway. The queen disguises herself as an old lady and brings a poison apple to the girl, which makes her fall asleep. Then the queen invades Snow White’s dream and turns it into a lesbian BDSM nightmare. Just like the Grimm Brothers story.

At least it’s got a better plot than most porn parodies, if only because they didn’t have to come up with anything on their own this time. Since that’s one of the criteria which I judge these by, you’d think I’d have enjoyed it more. It’s still just a really shitty movie, though. Maybe… maybe porn movies aren’t really MEANT to be judged by the story? …NAHHH.


Kayden’s Krossfire (2008)

kayden's krossfireKayden’s Krossfire (2008)

Directed by: Andre Madness

Starring: Kayden KrossTommy GunnLorena Sanchez

one-star

Yep, another porno. They just give these things away in the mail, you know. You don’t even have to do anything and bam, bad movies about people in cowboy hats having sex with each other show up on your doorstep. Thanks OBAMA.

Kayden Kross, which is also her character’s name because really nobody cares, is a small town country sheriff lady who has to find a couple who robbed a bank and… shoot them, I guess. OLD WEST JUSTICE MOTHERFUCKER.

There really isn’t much to say about this movie. I only reviewed it because it does technically have a plot, and that’s part of my manifesto. My porn reviewing manifesto. It’s very short.


Eden (2007)

edenEden (2007)

Directed by: Daniel Dakota

Starring: Carmen LuvanaEvan StoneAva Rose

one-star

Remember that show Fantasy Island? Where Ricardo Montalbon and Herve Villechaize run a magic island where people’s dreams come true, and yet for some reason it’s never just people going there to have a bunch of sex? Well, this is the porn version of that, only nobody learns a profound life lesson at the end.

A group of famous and/or rich people fly to an island which magically grants their wishes (all of which are having sex, amazingly enough). One of the girls gets kidnapped by a native tribe of cannibals or something and everyone else tries to save her, only to run afoul of the real danger of the island: A TYRANNOSAURUS REX THAT EATS THEM. THE END.

I’ve seen a few pornos in my day, and I have to say that very few of them end with a dinosaur eating everybody. I say that as a joke, but now I realize that there actually was one softcore movie I saw that ended in a very similar way called Dinosaur Babes, and now I think I’m going to mope around for a while and try to figure out where my life went wrong.