Mars Needs Moms (2011)

Mars Needs Moms (2011)

Directed by: Simon Wells

Starring: Seth Green, Joan Cusack, Dan Fogler

I got so mad at this movie, it was like every new stupid thing it did was specifically put in there to spite me. I’m not a conspiracy nut or anything, but I’m pretty sure the only reason this movie was made was to make me REALLY ANGRY and I do not appreciate that. Not at all. Well, a little.

Apparently on Mars, they raise their little potato babies by making a bunch of robots take care of them. For some reason, each time there’s a new batch of babies, they have to kidnap a mother from Earth and disintegrate her so her momly memories go into the robots. This time, the mother kidnapped by aliens is the mother of a weird Seth Green-looking kid, and he stows away on the spaceship to try and save her. He explores the wacky and horrifying landscape of Mars with the help of a fat nerd and a hippy alien, and eventually saves his mom and blah blah blah.

I couldn’t possibly cover all the problems with this movie in a single paragraph, and I’m sure as fuck not going to waste my time writing more than that for this movie. More than… one more… SHUT UP! At least there’s a bright side to this uncanny valley idiot festival, which is that it flopped so badly that is closed down Robert “I’ve Gone Completely Fuck-Crazy” Zemeckis’ awful CGI studio, which means no awful CGI remake of Yellow Submarine! That by itself makes this a worthwhile movie to have been made.

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About Reid

Born in a dumpster, died in a fire. View all posts by Reid

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