Directed by: Michael Coldewey, Michel Lemire
Starring: Michael Ironside, Julie Strain, Billy Idol
Man, this movie is so bad. They actually managed to make it worse in EVERY respect than the original Heavy Metal, and that movie was pretty fucking bad itself. At least with the original you got the impression that someone TRIED.
An evil space pirate named Tyler is out to get an immortality serum by… wait, the space bad guy’s name is actually “Tyler”? That’s the least threatening name in the English language. The only thing I’d be scared of a Tyler doing is getting my order wrong at Chili’s. Anyway, there’s some stupid shit and a “chosen one” and lot of boobs and strippers with boobs and prostitute stripper robots with boobs. And yes, that is the plot.
Besides the stupid story (because I kinda expected that going into the film), I was most surprised by the quality of the animation, because it was fuckin’ terrible. It was like some sort of 3/4ths Disney house style, 1/4th anime thing combined with some CGI that I’m sure they were proud of in 2000. Not even the music was worthwhile, and I like that kind of music. Easily the highlight of the film is a Pantera song (which sounds like every other non-single Pantera song), and like fifteen seconds of a Monster Magnet song which was completely out of place. There was ICP on this soundtrack, that’s all I really need to say. That and it had a song by Sinnistar, the worst band I have ever seen live. In fact, when I’m making fun of bad metal music, I usually compare them to Sinnistar, but I say it all drawn out like “SINNN ISSS SSTARRRRR” because it’s a fucking stupid name on top of everything else.