Bail Out (1989)

Bail Out (1989)

Directed by: Max Kleven

Starring: David Hasselhoff, Linda Blair, Tony Brubaker

So I cleaned up my apartment last week and discovered that I have like, two dozen movies on hardcopy that I haven’t watched yet. Clearly, this is unacceptable, and that means I’m gonna be watching a bunch of shit starring David Hasselhoff and the like for a while. No wonder I never clean.

Hasselhoff plays a character literally named “White Bread” who is a bond bailsman. Or… bail bondsman. Whatever. He’s Dog the Bounty Hunter and he’s out to get Linda Blair to come to court, so his asshole boss won’t lose a bunch of money. He and his ethnic friends (who are thankfully not also named after different types of bread that they look like) track down the people who kidnapped her and chase them in cars and helicopters and horses (I guess it’s technically ON horses, but whatever) until they finally save the day.

If you added together all the parts of this film which are either car chases (of one sort or other) or Hasselhoff playing tennis against semi-attractive 80’s ladies, it would easily be half the film. And hell, if you included all the stuff with the hispanic member of the team pretending to be an idiot gardener, that’s almost all of it. Unless one of those three things are something you really, really like in a movie, you can easily skip this one. Assuming you could find it in the first place.