Killer Bean Forever (2009)

Killer Bean Forever (2009)

Directed by: Jeff Lew

Starring: Vegas E. Trip, Bryan Session, David Guilmette

…What the fuck did I just watch? It was like watching a feature-length “crazy frog” commercial that doubled as mindless gun porn. Why… why would anybody make this? This must’ve taken so much more time and effort than your run-of-the-mill dumb action movie, and the end result is a million times worse. And then it got released. I’m so confused.

So… everybody is beans. First off. Coffee beans with arms and legs and they breakdance while they shoot each other. The main character is Killer Bean, who kills other beans (hence the name). He’s after a mobster named Cappuccino (BECAUSE THEY’RE BEANS GET IT), and he also tussles with a detective who has to follow the law but is kinda behind him but also technically against him. It’s one of the oldest action stories in the world, but it’s developed about as well as a Polaroid picture left inside a Jell-O mold. I don’t actually know if that would keep a Polaroid from developing, but it’s a funny visual, isn’t it? I kinda want to try that now… do they still make that shit, or has it been replaced by an ugly filter on an iPhone?

Okay, in conclusion: Looks like a cell phone commercial, has the plot of every other 80’s cop movie, made in 2009. WHY?! If anything, I just feel bad about writer/director Jeff Lew, who undoubtedly spent and lost a ton of his own money and time on this project, and this is what he has to show for it. This is why professionals work in teams, Jeff. Also, professionals are good at their jobs. Just sayin’.

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