Pontiac Moon (1994)

Pontiac Moon (1994)

Directed by: Peter Medak

Starring: Ted Danson, Mary Steenburgen, Ryan Todd

Ugh, why do people make these kinds of “heartwarming” movies? Nobody actually likes these, do they? I mean, am I just a heartless bastard, or is “heartwarming” actually an ironically-used term for really awful movies?

Ted Danson is a crazy crippled teacher who decides to take his agoraphobic son on a cross-country drive. You see, Apollo 11 just launched, and one of Danson’s 11 cars has nearly as many miles on it as the distance between the Earth and the moon, and he wants to make it so it has that same mileage at the same time that the Apollo lands. Along the way, they bond and cry and sing to shitty old songs with a native american guy they pick up.

Ted Danson’s character in this film is infuriating. He’s “that guy” who always responds to insults like “You’re from California? Only FRUIT come from California!” with things like, “Oh, but there’s also vegetables and grain! Fruit is just a word that is not insulting, you see!” I wanted to punch that smug idiot in his face every minute of this film.