Directed by: Rob Stefaniuk
Starring: Rob Stefaniuk, Jessica Paré, Paul Anthony
What can you really expect from a movie called Suck? That it’s going to be a stupid rock musical about vampires? Sure, that seems like a pretty safe bet. Strangely enough, it’s not the worst vampire rock musical I’ve seen, that title goes to Rockula. Also, I feel really weird that I can make a statement like that.
The basic idea of Suck is that there’s this shitty rock band who’s lady bassist (why hasn’t anyone named a band Lady Bassist yet?) gets turned into a vampire. At first she tries to hide it, but all the murders are kinda obvious. On the other hand, her magic hypnotic vampire powers make their shows much more popular, and eventually the other members of the band turn into vampires, too. Once they’re all vampires, the lead singer (and last to turn) starts feeling regret about turning into a horrible monster, so they enlist the help of vampire hunter Eddie Van Helsing (Malcom McDowell). I know, a stupider sentence has never before been known to man. Anyway, Van Helsing helps them kill the head vampire, which turns them all back to normal… except then they want to be vampires again, so Alice Cooper turns them back.
Oh yeah, Alice Cooper is in this movie. As… I dunno, the head head vampire, or maybe the devil or something. Other strange cameo appearance of note include Iggy Pop as the government-fearing recording studio manager, Dave Foley as a wishy-washy producer, Henry Rollins as an obnoxious radio DJ who gets eaten by vampires and Moby as some asshole who also gets eaten by vampires. What’s even more surprising than the plethora of cameos is that… it’s actually kinda funny at points. I did not expect that AT ALL. Also, not surprisingly, the music is fucking terrible, and they spend WAYYY too much time in musical sequences. Come on, you got Alice Cooper and Iggy Pop, all that does is make your shitty music seem even worse because your audience is now thinking about GOOD rock and roll. Maybe Moby wrote the songs…
Films in Boxes 
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