Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie (2002)

Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie (2002)

Directed by: Mike Nawrocki, Phil Vischer

Starring: Phil Vischer, Mike Nawrocki, Tim Hodge

Wow. So, I decided to check Wikipedia to see just when they stopped making these stupid VeggieTales christian CGI movies, but apparently they’re STILL DOING IT. Sweet Tittyfucking Jesus, how could something like this go on for almost twenty years?!

Jonah is mostly a retelling of the biblical story of Jonah and the whale, where this prophet doesn’t want to go to a town that God tells him to go to because the people there are evil, and he doesn’t believe they deserve mercy. However, I’m sure the biblical version didn’t have quite so many pirates or racist stereotypes or tuneless, repetitive songs (okay, actually, it probably did have the song thing).

What amazes me so much about VeggieTales is… I guess that people buy them. I know there’s an instant market for anything Christian and targeted at kids (gotta keep myself from pointlessly ranting, here), but this is the laziest, shittiest animation, writing, and performance that you can imagine, all rolled up into one preachy pile of shit. The framing device for the story is that one kid bragged about having a backstage pass to a concert to another kid ONCE, then IMMEDIATELY LOSES THE TICKET. Therefore, the other kid should, and I quote, “have mercy to her”. Is he going to KILL her for bragging? That’s not really an appropriate use of mercy there, you asshole-fucking cucumber. Combine large, pointless stretches of movie with boring, repetitive songs, and you get Jonah. God must be so pissed.