Destroy All Monsters (1968)

Destroy All Monsters (1968)

Directed by: Ishiro Honda

Starring: Akira Kubo, Jun Tazaki, Yukiko Kobayashi

Destroy All Monsters is not only the greatest misleading movie title ever, but the greatest Godzilla film ever. Well, in my opinion. But seriously, what else are people going to say is their favorite? One that doesn’t have a dozen monsters fighting each other? If so, that person is a nerd of some sort, and therefore their opinion need not matter.

Destroy All Monsters was supposed to be a last grab at the Godzilla franchise, a desperate measure to end the series on a big rubbery bang (ew), but it turned out to be so successful that they kept on making Godzilla movies for the next… well, I think the latest one came out in ’05 or ’06 or something. For sure, Destroy All Monsters is significantly better in every respect than the last film in the series, Son of Godzilla, which was just godawful. It is outstanding in the late 60’s/early 70’s era of Godzilla films that it actually deals with a good amount of monster fighting instead of the monsters just kinda playing around and saving kittens from trees and that sorta crap. Godzilla from this era is much more of a nice guy, hell, he’s a father who takes care of his ugly paunchy son. I… think I may have given away the fact that I know way too much about these movies. Moving on.

At the start of Destroy All Monsters, the nations of the world have created a safe place for all the vicious city-destroying monsters to live without bothering anybody called Monster Land! Whee! Sounds fun! (They didn’t start calling it “Monster Island,” a somewhat more dignified name until the next film) Unfortunately, things are not all fun and games at Monster Land (contrary to it’s slogan, “Things are all fun ‘n games at Monster Land!” Or at least, that’s what the slogan would be if I ran a theme park named Monster Land. I am WAY off tangent this review), and suddenly a thick yellow gas fills the island, knocking the staff out cold and allowing the monsters to escape! They immediately go on a rampage across the major cities of the world, as monsters are oft wont to do.

Japan decides to recall the team they have stationed on the moon to deal with the Monster Island situation (because the moon is the closest place, I guess), and they find the attending personnel brainwashed by aliens from the asteroid belt. In the Godzilla universe, aliens are always depicted as women in shiny leotards with matching caps. They’re very scary. Not only are the aliens controlling the people who ran Monster Island, they’re also controlling the monsters. And they’re making them destroy the great cities of the world so they can… have peace with mankind? Okay. Sure. Of course, our intrepid spacemen don’t buy it and just try to shoot the alien lady, but she has an alien forcefield and it’s only like twenty minutes into the movie anyway, so you can’t really kill the aliens yet.

Skipping ahead a bit, the people of earth manage to fight off the aliens a little bit and get their hands on the control device they’re using to control the monsters. They then use the monsters to attack the hidden base of the aliens, but the aliens have a little protection in the way of Ghidorah, the three-headed space monster who is also the coolest Godzilla monster of them all. There’s just something in the way the strings that hold his heads up make his necks wobble that’s just great. Some stuff happens and Godzilla’s stupid kid blows his stupid smoke rings and everything works out in the end. But hey, what a great ride.

Like I’ve said, this is my favorite Godzilla flick. It’s always disappointing to see a lot of non-monsters on the screen in these sorts of things, but even the non-monster segments of Destroy All Monsters are just as goofy and and cheesy as the monster parts, and that’s what really makes this enjoyable. If you don’t like cheesy, goofy movies, then what the hell are you doing even looking at Godzilla movies? Go away.