Warriors of the Wind (1984)

Warriors of the Wind (1984)

Directed by: Hayao Miyazaki

Starring: Alison Lohman, Patrick Stewart, Uma Thurman

Warriors of the Wind, now known as Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, is Hayao Miyazaki’s first feature film, and it’s very similar in style and content to his later hit Princess Mononoke. I think after that became a huge success in the States, they went back and re-released this film as Nausicaa and possibly re-cast the voice talent to what it is on the IMDb page, because I don’t remember hearing Patrick Stewart’s voice in the version I just watched, but it didn’t have an English cast list in the credits on the tape, so I’m just sticking with what IMDb says.

In the future (maybe. It could be some alternate now that’s the future of the past or something… it’s hard to say with anime), there is a huge poisonous forest that covers most of… wherever they are. One safe and pleasant village lies in the Valley of the Wind, ruled by a sickly king and his daughter, Princess Sandra (aka Nausicaa, just not in this version). Sandra has the “almost magical” ability to communicate with the native giant bugs of the poisonous forest after a fashion, allowing her to keep them safe while at the same time keeping herself and others from the valley of the wind safe as well.

Everything goes wrong when the peaceful valley is attacked by soldiers led by a bionic queen who has a plan to burn the forest down with a fire demon and reclaim the world for humanity (and not giant bug-kind). Sounds nice and all, but in this story the giant bugs aren’t bad guys, and anyway, burning a poisonous forest just sounds incredibly stupid. You know what happens when you burn poisonous things? You get big clouds of POISON. Anyway, Nausic– I mean Sandra has to find a way to save her people from enslavement and destruction and somehow try to keep all the giant poisonous bugs safe, too.

This is an interesting story and all, if kinda weird, but the hardest thing for me was to identify with the characters. The few characters that got any development were either all-powerful saints or wishy-washy and evil sometimes. Of course, the reason that this movie is well-known is the direction and artwork, which is in a league of it’s own (along with other Miyazaki films, that is) over most other anime. All the little cheats and cop-outs in animation that you’re used to with anime is completely missing here, instead actually looking like it wasn’t jammed out in a month for fifty bucks. It’s a very pretty movie, but it’s comparatively rough if you’re expecting a Princess Mononoke or Spirited Away.

I would recommend this movie (well, not THIS movie, I’d recommend Nausicaa) to whoever wants to see a good anime, or if you haven’t heard of this particular Miyazaki movie and you like his work, or hell, this actually works as a -GASP- kid’s movie! Yeah, a Japanese cartoon that’s suitable for children. Whouda thunk it.

5 Lady Venoms (1984)

5 Lady Venoms (1984)

Directed by: Cheung Chi Chiu

Starring: Elsa Yeung, Eagle Lee, Tattooer Ma

Okay, so I know the picture is terrible and the IMDb page is basically blank and has the wrong year, but I actually looked through the full copy I have of this on tape and couldn’t find a year on it, so from literally A BILLION YEARS OF RESEARCH, I’ve decided that it’s probably ’84 or ’85, but more places say ’84, so that’s what I’m going with. It certainly isn’t 2002, like IMDb thinks, I’ll tell you that much.

5 Lady Venoms is incredibly hard to understand. At any time you could be dealing with the guy you originally think is the main character working odd jobs for a mob boss that he doesn’t seem to realize is a mob boss, or dealing with the daughter of a dead rival mob boss and her group of fighting “angels,” or maybe we’re just going to watch some random people at a gambling hall… I really have no idea what went on in this movie, except a lot of poorly choreographed fight scenes between a bunch of very skinny women in swimsuits (many times even with those little diving hat things on. I guess that’s SOMEBODY’S idea of sexy).

From what it looks like, only me and three other online rare kung fu movie VHS resellers have ever even heard of this damn movie, so I don’t think you’ll have to worry about whether you want to see it or not. You don’t.

Death Race 2000 (1975)

Death Race 2000 (1975)

Directed by: Paul Bartel

Starring: David Carradine, Simone Griffeth, Sylvester Stallone

Death Race 2000 is such a fun, silly little movie and I love it. As with everyone else who’s seen it, now I assign point values to annoying people who might cross the road in front of me while I’m driving. And if you think that’s horrible, then read on, fellow space travelers!

It is the far-off year 2000 where America is ruled by a tyrannic man named Mr. President, and the most popular sport in the nation is a race where the contestants not only go from one end of America to the other, but also get extra points by killing people with their cars along the way. In this race, the most famous racer ever is Frankenstein (Carradine), who is the only survivor of several races and is one of the most popular people in America. Begrudgingly in his shadow is Machine Gun Joe Viterbo (Stallone), and angry Chicagoan who’s only objective is to beat Frankenstein. There are also some other silly racers, like Calamity Jane in a bull car and some nazi girl in her “buzzbomb,” but they really don’t matter and just give the whole thing a real Wacky Racers sorta feel.

However, there is a twist this year: There is a rebel faction who want to free the world from the rule of Mr. President and want to abolish the terrible and destructive race. Their plan involves blowing up the racers (using really silly Looney Tunes style traps), capturing Frankenstein and using him to blackmail Mr. President. And excitement and weirdness ensues.

I mentioned Wacky Racers before, but I think it definitely deserves another mention. I don’t know if I was the only one stupid enough to sit through not only one but several episodes of the Hanna-Barbara let’s-get-all-our-characters-together-in-one-stupid-race cartoon, but it was very much the same premise as Death Race 2000. Only, you know, without the vehicular manslaughter. The movie is very tongue-in-cheek silly, but it treats itself as being very serious and can actually come across as a decent serious movie, if you discount all the goofy cars and costumes and stuff. The only part in the film that breaks the goofy meter is when Frankenstein reveals his surgically altered hand with a grenade built in to be his ‘hand grenade’ and nobody even questions the terrible pun. Luckily, that’s about ten minutes before the movie’s over, so those of you who hate puns are pretty much committed to the movie by then.

I think Death Race 2000 is a funny enough movie and there’s some social commentary or something in there, I guess, but it’s a fun watch. Oh, and there are a lot of boobs. Anyway, while looking this movie up on IMDb, I found that they’re releasing a movie this August called Death Race starring Jason Statham and directed by Paul W.S. Anderson (the guy who did Alien vs. Predator and Mortal Kombat) that is either a remake or a sequel of sorts. I have a bad feeling that if they remake it, it’ll lose it’s Wacky Racers charm and just be some serious bunch-of-exploding-cars sorta movie like they make nowadays. Too bad. Also, what the hell, Jason Statham, you used to be in good movies and now you’re working for Uwe Boll and Paul Anderson?