Gigli (2003)

Gigli (2003)

Directed by: Martin Brest

Starring: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, Justin Bartha

Of the five “box office bombs” I’m reviewing today, Gigli is by far the worst. It’s not some overblown, too expensive epic drama or cultist propaganda (no, not Battlefield Earth, I’ve already reviewed that), but it is, at the very center of it, an intensely unlikable film.

Gigli (Affleck) is a low-grade mafia hitman who’s tasked with stealing the mentally challenged brother of a senator. Joining him is Jennifer Lopez, who… is a lesbian. Oh, and she’s smart because she reads philosophy books. She doesn’t really do anything, though. Huh. Anyway, the two of them end up falling in love with each other, and also with the kidnapped kid. It’s kinda like they took the high concept of “Rain Man, but everybody’s retarded.”

The characters are so incredibly unlikable, there isn’t a single decent performance in the film (including a downright embarrassing appearance by Christopher Walken), and the story is simple and uninspired, not to mention nonsensical. I just… urggg, I fucking hate this movie. I know everyone hates it, and I shouldn’t be surprised, but it’s just not that often that the mass movie viewing audience (or as I call you, “normies”) gets exposed to a movie that is legitimately as terrible as you make it out to be. I mean, half the movies today that failed massively are light years beyond a lot of shit that I’ve seen. Not that I’m bragging. I just have a disease. A bad movie disease.