Private Valentine: Blonde and Dangerous (2008)

Private Valentine: Blonde and Dangerous (2008)

Directed by: Steve Miner

Starring: Jessica Simpson, Vivica A. Fox, Steve Guttenberg

This might hit you as something of a shock, but a movie about Jessica Simpson joining the army is actually really, really, really awful. Actually, this might be more of a shock: I didn’t know who Jessica Simpson was before I watched this movie, and I had to look her up because I figured she was either a Paris Hilton-type semi-celebrity or a porn star who was trying to do a “legit” movie for the sake of publicity. It just struck me as that sort of thing.

Simpson plays a young, hot movie starlet a la Lindsay Lohan, who believes that she loses everything one night, so she decides to join the army while drunk. The movie is basically just this horrible, vapid woman complaining about having to do basic training things like running and doing pushups and shooting guns, and I guess it’s supposed to be funny. Of course, by the end she learns stuff and she’s no longer a dumb blonde actress and blah blah blah.

There’s nothing in this film even the slightest bit interesting or new, and there’s no way anyone could’ve possibly thought there would be, and it’s kinda sad. I mean, the guy who directed this movie is actually a pretty competent horror movie maker, who made Friday the 13th parts 2 and 3, as well as Halloween H20 and the new Day of the Dead. Nothing great, mind you, but it’s at least not terrible. Like this movie is. And yeah, that’s kinda sad.