Directed by: Brian Levant
Starring: Jackie Chan, Amber Valletta, Madeline Carroll
You know, on the one hand, I feel sorry for Jackie Chan, having to hang on to the last of his martial arts career with garbage like this (and really, most of the movies he’s done in the last ten years), but on the other hand, he’s still the most huggable kung fu star ever, so of all the people ever to do terrible “tough guy takes care of kids” movies, he’s probably the best choice for it. Which is also sad.
Jackie Chan is a spy who is on the verge of retirement, and who has been charged with taking care of his girlfriend’s kids for a week while she’s away. During that time, he gets caught up in a Russian plot (yeah, the Russians. In 2010) and recruits the kids to help him kick bad guy butt, etc etc.
Seriously? The Russians? I mean, I guess the spy game isn’t as interesting now that the Cold War’s over, but still… how could that possibly be relevant nowadays? Still, even the Russians with cartoony Boris and Natasha voices are nothing compared to the horror that is Billy Ray Cyrus and George Lopez as super-smart super-spies. If I have to explain why that’s terrible, you’re dead to me.
Probably the saddest thing about this movie, however, is that, under the opening credits, they play a montage of action sequences from previous Jackie Chan films like the Police Story series, and it just drives home the point that he used to be way, way better than he could ever hope to be now that he’s old and babysitting kids. And that is the saddest thing.
Films in Boxes 
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