Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)

Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)

Directed by: Charles Band

Starring: Jeffrey Byron, Michael Preston, Tim Thomerson

Metalstorm may not have a whole lot going for it, what with it being a shitty sci-fi/action movie filmed with a lot of 3-D gimmicks, but it does have one spectacular thing: The subtitle. The Destruction of Jared-Syn is one of my favorite all time movie subtitles, right up there with Die Hard 2: Die Harder and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. Jaws: The Revenge gets a special note, because it has the best stupid tagline ever: “THIS TIME, IT’S PERSONAL!” Anyway.

Metalstorm is about some guy in a futuristic-ish Road Warrior type of world where everybody uses crystals for everything, who finds a chick and fights a bad guy. Richard Moll has an appearance as, for a change, a huge evil bald guy.

As awesome as the subtitle is, it’s actually a bold-faced lie. Jared-Syn, the bad guy of the film, actually escapes through a crystal wormhole thing on a space motorcycle of some sort, he isn’t destroyed at all! What a ripoff.