Space Truckers (1996)

Space Truckers (1996)

Directed by: Stuart Gordon

Starring: Dennis Hopper, Debi Mazar, Stephen Dorff

Hey, did you hear that Dennis Hopper died? It’s probably because I watched this horrible piece of shit the other day and said something like, “god damn it, I hope everyone involved in this movie dies a terrible death”. Obviously, I’m god.

Hopper is a trucker in space (hence the name) who gets hired to transport a load of killer robots to Earth, so a bad guy can take over the planet. He doesn’t know about this, of course, and neither do his stupid co-pilot or random waitress that he picked up. At least, they don’t know until they run into SPACE PIRATES, complete with mechanical peg legs and everything, who try to hijack their cargo. Once they escape the pirates, they realize they have to destroy the robots to save Earth and become big heroes.

This movie isn’t just stupid, it’s downright disgusting at parts. There’s a bit with these horrible square pig puppets, the space pirate cyborg leader who tries to have sex with his pull-cable-started-robo-penis, Dennis Hopper being treated as a dashing young lad… the whole thing is just wrong. Also, the robots were the coolest part of the movie, and even they were obviously just cheap suits with flashlight heads. Maybe I didn’t think they were that great because they were basically the same design as the Geth from Mass Effect, except way worse. That’s a little unfair to Space Truckers, though.

But yeah, fuck Space Truckers, and the same goes for Dennis Hopper. He was in one mediocre movie and a fleet of shit, who cares?