Future Hunters (1986)

Future Hunters (1986)

Directed by: Cirio H. Santiago

Starring: Robert Patrick, Linda Carol, Ed Crick

Hunters from the future! Or possibly hunters of the future! In either case, it’s wrong! Future Hunters is, I’m pretty sure, the result of the dartboard naming system used extensively by direct-to-video sci-fi movies of the 80’s and 90’s. What other excuse is there for this?

The story is this. Robert Patrick, the liquid metal guy from Terminator 2 and some chick find a guy from the future, who happens to have with him the head of the Spear of Longinus, the spear that stabbed Jesus while he was on the cross. As it turns out, the spear also lets you travel through time. Kinda weird. Anyway, our two heroes have to find the shaft of the spear (uh hurr hurr) and put them back together, thus ending it’s evil… um… something. They have to fight Japanese businessmen and amazon women and… I dunno, some other people who just kinda follow along and shoot at them sometimes. This movie is dumb.

My favorite part of this movie is really more of a MacGuffin and is never fully explained, but… why does the Spear of Longinus let you travel through time? Either the Romans were far more technologically advanced than we thought, or Jesus has magic time travelling blood, which is obviously the more awesome of the two options. Turning water into wine is great and all, but why didn’t he ever use the time traveling blood trick? Stupid Jesus.