Once Upon a Mattress (2005)

Once Upon a Mattress (2005)

Directed by: Kathleen Marshall

Starring: Carol Burnett, Tracey Ullman, Denis O’Hare

Yeah, you didn’t expect to this up here, did you? Neither did I. I’ve figured out why I even had this thing on my computer, though; You see, I’m a jerk. Really, just a total jerk to everybody, all the time. Including myself. Especially when I get drunk and I think it would be funny to make me in the future watch an excruciatingly bad musical (they are all that bad, by the way). Well, I got me, me. Good one. Jerk.

Once Upon a Mattress is a musical version of “The Princess and the Pea.”  The evil queen has declared that nobody can get married until the prince does, then she finds a way to make sure her son doesn’t marry anybody. It’s a really bizarre situation, really. So, a couple who are teen pregnant go on a mission to get the prince laid and come back with an ugly swamp princess. To test whether she’s a real princess or not, the queen puts a pea under 20 mattresses, and if she’s really a princess, she’d be able to feel it. Which she does, and there are stupid non-jokes and awful, awful songs.

The only thing even half-watchable about this movie is Zooey Deschanel, but even then the cheap and ugly high school theater production values and costumes make her look frumpy. This movie makes Zooey Deschanel not hot. THAT’S HOW BAD IT IS! I suppose if I didn’t have such an aversion to musicals (aka, “taste”) I might’ve enjoyed this movie… also assuming I was six, had brain damage, and was blind and deaf. Then… maybe.