Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

Directed by: Lee Demarbre

Starring: Phil Caracas, Murielle Varhelyi, Maria Moulton

Yeah, who can resist a name like that? I mean, once you see that a movie is named Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, you know exactly what’s going to be involved: A 40 dollar camera, a nearly completely improvised script, and all of the director’s high school friends to be the principal actors.

The plot is really, really simple: Jesus fights some vampires. He also fights athiests and a couple mad scientists who may or may not be vampires, but yeah, that’s about it. It should also be noted that there is no fight choreography at all in this movie, which is 80% fighting.

If you’d like some highlights of what the big ‘jokes’ in this movie are so you don’t feel compelled to track down this dog, here’s what I remember. Let’s see… there’s a lot of stuff about pro-lesbian rights (which apparently Jesus is behind, because… yeah), at one point, Jesus blesses a pitcher of beer, turning it holy, I guess, and it burns some witches… What else… Oh, for the last half of the movie, Jesus gets a sidekick in Santos, a Mexican masked wrestler that is based off of an actual Mexican masked wrestler Santo, who starred in tons of movies in the 60’s and 70’s. Each and every one of which is better than Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, and one of those made it on MST3K. Apart from all that, the only other major thing I remember is that the final fight scene has Jesus fighting vampires in a junkyard as, at the same time, he fights a cannibal doctor in a hospital because “Jesus is everywhere.”

Please don’t support people who release movies like this. I hate saying that, but seriously… Maybe if they never make any money, they’ll stop. We can only hope…