Catacombs (2007)

Catacombs (2007)

Directed by: Tomm Coker, David Elliot

Starring: Shannyn Sossamon, Pink, Emil Hostina

I watched this movie because it was billed as a “FearNet original.” For those of you unaware, FearNet (or Fear.Net or something) is a subgroup of the Comcast On Demand service that shows a plethora of terrible horror movies with gigantic obnoxious pop-up ads and commercial breaks halfway through. It is an awful service, and I just know they want to be like the SciFi Channel. Maybe somebody should give them a channel so I can see Dark Shadows again. Hell, maybe they’ll make some atmospheric, overly serious movie adaptation of Dark Shadows. That would be so bad it would erase the existance of bad movies made before it.

Catacombs is about an American chick (Sossamon) who visits her sister (Pink. Yes, the pop singer) in Paris and goes clubbing with her and her jackass French friends down in the catacombs under the city. The French guys tell her about an ancient legend about the antichrist being born in the tunnels and how he hunts people down there while wearing a cow skull mask or something, then she proceeds to get chased around by a guy wearing a cow skull mask or something. She makes her way back to the rave, but the cops crash the party and she hits her head on a wall while escaping. When she wakes up, she’s trapped in the catacombs and must find a way out.

90% of this movie is very dark shots of this whiny woman running around the same four catacomb tunnel sets over and over again. Eventually she meets another trapped guy down there (Hostina) who only speaks French, yet she constantly whines on and on to him about the slightest things until she leaves him in a hole to die because… well, there’s really no good reason for it. To be perfectly honest, I’ve never hated a main character more than this chick. The movie’s supposed to be really atmospheric and moody and creepy and stuff, but it fails in a big way and just ends up being boring. By the time the one interesting thing happens in this movie, it’s the twist at the end, and you only get a couple minutes to enjoy it. Oh, and it is enjoyable. I won’t spoil it, just in case you actually want to watch this dog, but it was pretty funny. Still, not worth the long wait.