Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

Directed by: Sidney J. Furie

Starring: Christopher Reeve, Gene Hackman, Jackie Cooper

I remember the first time I saw this movie, it was in a marathon with the other three Superman movies, and I thought it was just awful. Now, of course, it’s been so long since I’ve seen the other movies in the series, I have nothing to compare this with. Maybe that’s why I didn’t think it was as bad as I remembered it. Don’t get me wrong though, this is still a pretty stupid movie.

Superman is under pressure to get rid of all the world’s nuclear weapons, thanks to a letter from an elementary school kid, while at the same Lex Luthor is up to his newest scheme; an evil clone of Superman. Interestingly enough, getting rid of all the world’s nuclear weapons takes Supes a couple minutes, while fighting evil Superman (who has an obvious weakness and isn’t really any better than Superman is in the first place) takes FOREVER.

I like how Luthor clones Supes in this movie. He takes a strand of his hair, then shoots it up in a nuclear missile, which Superman throws into the sun. Hell, makes as much sense as any other damn thing in comic books. What I don’t really get is why Luthor thought a guy who was weak against cold would do any good against Superman in a fight. HE BREATHES ICE, DUMBASS!

What really gives this movie the bad reputation that it has is that not a whole lot really happens. Even the fight scenes are really boring, and the hour and a half runtime just kinda flies by without you even noticing. There’s constantly that feeling that something GOOD is going to happen anytime now, but it never comes through. I think now I have to watch the first three movies again, if only to remember why some people like Superman. Honestly, it’s pretty impressive to make such a boring character into several successful movies.

The Pink Panther 2 (2009)

The Pink Panther 2 (2009)

Directed by: Harald Zwart

Starring: Steve Martin, Jean Reno, Emily Mortimer

If there’s one thing sadder than a remake of a good movie, it’s a SEQUEL of the remake of the good movie. I mean, I like Steve Martin and all, but let’s please never have another one of these.

In Pink Panther 2, Inspector Clouseau returns to find “The Tornado,” a famous thief who’s been stealing things like the Shroud of Turin and, of course, the pink panther diamond. He’s joined by an international force of other detectives, but in the end Clouseau solves the mystery, much to everyone’s surprise.

This movie is almost exactly the same as the last one in the series. Seriously, there’s even the same ‘big reveal’ at the end that was painfully obvious from the beginning. For me, the best part of the movie was Jean Reno, who’s just a good actor, and actually quite funny in a subdued way in these movies (which also helps played against Martin’s over-the-top slapstick style). Also in this movie we get Alfred Molina, Jeremy Irons, and John Cleese, who takes over Kevin Kline’s role from the last movie. Cleese plays himself, like he always does, a befuddled and angry old man. Strangely, he plays the role of Chief Dreyfus much closer to the original guy who did it in the sixties, which is kinda neat (as long as we ignore that one Pink Panther movie where he becomes a Dr. Phibes-esque supervillain. That was retarded).

However, the movie is basically just the same thing again, and in my opinion, that makes it really not worth seeing. I’d be really nice if Steve Martin could go back to being innovative, but I think that time is sadly long past.

The Others (2001)

The Others (2001)

Directed by: Alejandro Amenábar

Starring: Nicole Kidman, Fionnula Flannagan, Christopher Eccleston

Yeah, I just saw this for the first time the other day, and yes, I already knew what the twist ending was going to be because it was basically the next Sixth Sense, but I still enjoyed it. It’s nice when a movie has a big twist that’s unexpected, but doesn’t just rest on that carrying it. Hear that, Shyamalan?

A strict mother hires some servants to help her take care of her two kids who have a rare disease that makes them vulnerable to sunlight. Slowly, they start to realize that they aren’t alone in their house…

This is a good old fashioned spooky ghost story movie (with a twist, but I’m not going to talk about that anymore). There are plenty of fake-outs, suspenseful moments, and surprises. Really, this movie reminded me a lot of… well, The Sixth Sense, but also older ghost house movies like The Amityville Horror, and I really dig those movies when done well. The Others was definitely done well. It has a solid story and good direction. My only real complaint is that the sound balance is ridiculously off. When there’s a suspenseful moment, it’ll be loud as hell, but when people are talking to each other, they’re always whispering. Even in situations where that makes no sense. You can get away with that kinda thing in a theater, but not so much when you have a crappy 30-year old stereo system like I do. So I guess my complaint is that I wish I had seen this in theaters. How terrible.

Really, this is a pretty good movie. If you haven’t seen it and you want to be spooked, I’d say go for The Others. Just make sure you have a better sound system than I do. You kids and your surround sound and your bean bags and fruit stripe gum…

The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000)

The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000)

Directed by: Brian Levant

Starring: Mark Addy, Stephen Baldwin, Kristen Johnston

Uuuughhhh… Why did I watch BOTH live-action Flintstones movies? I must have a severe masochistic streak or brain damage or something…

The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas is actually a prequel to the original live-action Flintstones movie, and it details how Fred and Barney met Wilma and Betty. Also, it features the Great Gazoo and a wacky adventure in Vegas– DAMMIT THIS IS THE EXACT SAME MOVIE AND IT’S EXACTLY AS AWFUL AS THE FIRST ONE!

Seriously, this is the same movie, right down to having a bunch of the same bad jokes and the same hack director that hasn’t made anything halfway decent in his career. We’re talking the same guy who made Jingle All the Way and Snow Dogs here, man. Also, it’s absolutely bizarre to have a Flintstones movie without John Goodman, since I always thought that was the only reason the first one was even made. The no-name they got to replace him in this one didn’t even seem to be trying, and the mannish chick from Third Rock From the Sun is funny and all, they just remade the character of Wilma around her. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t give a shit about the ‘artistic integrity’ of the Flintstones, it’s just that her character was completely different in just about every respect from the greedy, shrewish Wilma Flintstone that we all know.

One thing I will say for this movie is that Stephen Baldwin actually does a better job as Barney Rubble than Rick Moranis did. I know, I can’t believe that Stephen Baldwin did a better job than Rick Moranis, either. But he actually fits the part really well. Same with the chick they got to play Betty (Jane Krakowski), who actually somewhat looks the part AND can act the part, unlike Rosie O’Donnell who got her part in the first film just because she can do the laugh (and nothing else). So yeah, those two weren’t terrible. Okay, yes they were, but they were the best of all the terrible shit in this movie.

I don’t want to think about this movie anymore, but I have to mention one more thing: The Great Gazoo. If you have a movie where Harvey Korman is acting and the Great Gazoo is in it… Why wouldn’t you have Korman be the Great Gazoo? He’s actually FUNNY, unlike Alan Cumming, who I will always remember as Boris in GoldenEye, because that’s better than his painful-to-watch roles in the Spy Kids movies and, of course, Son of the Mask. Why am I still talking about this wretched film? Never see this movie. Watch your eyes dissolve as you pour comet and bleach into them instead. Guaranteed to be more fun.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (2005)

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (2005)

Directed by: David Lee Fisher

Starring: Judson Pearce Morgan, Daamen J. Krall, Doug Jones

Oh good, another half-assed remake of a good movie, that’s exactly what we need more of. I mean, I know, you can’t really expect anything good out of a remake just in general, but still… Why do people keep doing this? I can almost guarantee you that in the case of this movie, it was some film student doing his first feature and he thought the coolness of remaking a silent German expressionist film would counteract the fact that he had no ideas of his own.

This is a direct remake with nothing new or different whatsoever, so it follows the same plot as the original Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. A guy’s friend dies mysteriously after visiting a carnival act involving a somnambulist who predicts the future, so he tries to convince the rest of the town that it’s all the fault of Dr. Caligari and Cesare, his creepy sleeping friend.

This movie isn’t a silent film (even the most indie of indie filmmakers know they can’t get away with that), but it is in black and white, and it was obviously all filmed in front of a green screen. One of the things that made the original Dr. Caligari such a lasting film was it’s unique sets and interesting visuals. With this remake, they decided to just remake everything from the original movie with cheap computer effects, and it ends up looking pretty awful. Yes, computer effects look worse than dilapidated cardboard when done poorly.

Since the original movie doesn’t have much dialogue, they had to write almost an entire movie’s worth of talking, which ends up sounding like crappy goth poetry most of the time. It sure as hell doesn’t help having everyone have silent film-esque makeup on, which was a necessity before cameras were very good, but now stand out like a sore thumb and make everybody look like they’re in Green Day. The overall effect is that since the visuals are less emphasized and the bad dialogue takes precedence, it’s much less interesting and you end up caring a lot less about the cool story that’s lurking beneath it all.

I wouldn’t recommend this remake. What a surprise, I can’t think of any remake I’d recommend over the original. If you really want to see this movie, check out the original. Through that link up there, I linked to the original on archive.org, and it’s completely free to see. Just wanna throw that out there.