Directed by: Paco Cabezas
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Rachel Nichols, Max Ryan
Remember that movie Taken with Liam Neeson where his daughter gets taken and he has to go save her? Well, WHAT IF! You had that exact same movie only it was Nicolas Cage instead of Neeson and there was a lot of pointless torture sequences? Good thing Rage exists so you don’t have to tax your imagination coming up with that far-fetched scenario!
Cage is an ex-con who’s teenage daughter gets killed and he suspect an old rival gang of taking her out in revenge for an old hit. He gathers his old gang buddies, who are all super amazing commandos for some reason, and they single-handedly take out the evil gang which, as it turns out, had absolutely nothing to do with his daughter. She was killed on accident because she and her teen friends were playing with a gun they found in a scene taken straight out of an after-school special. Joke’s on Cage and all those people he murdered, I guess!
Nicolas Cage is one of those guys like William Shatner who’s just become a parody of himself because that’s how the public perceives them. The result is that he just gets worse and more skull-poppingly insane with every new movie that comes out. We can only hope that he pops a vein in his neck and is put on permanent hiatus from screaming in front of a camera sometime soon or we’re going to have to deal with a 70 year old Cage frothing in rage over a dog crapping on his yard in some Gran Turino ripoff down the line. I don’t want that. I don’t.
Directed by: John Woo
Starring: John Travolta, Nicolas Cage, Joan Allen
John Travolta, Nicolas Cage, AND John Woo? It’s a trifecta! Of awful people who should be nowhere near a camera or the entertainment industry! In Face/Off, they’re all trying to outdo each other’s terribleness, and they all somehow succeed. Definitely one of those “no matter who wins, we lose” situations.
Travolta’s a cop. Cage’s a robber. They hate each other. After Travolta finally catches Cage, he does the only sensible thing and cuts his own face off, then sews on Cage’s face so he can pretend to be him and go find out where the bomb that’s going to blow up the president is hidden. Unfortunately, faceless Cage wakes up and puts Travolta’s unattended face on to take over his life, and now Travolta has to get his life back.
Everything about this movie makes no sense. Do I really need to go into detail about how even the base concept of the film is so fucking idiotic that it could never conceivably happen. THE TITLE HAS A FUCKING SLASH IN IT FOR NO REASON FOR FUCK’S SAKE! I’m done. Fuck you, everyone involved in the creation of this monstrosity.
Valley Girl (1983)
Directed by: Martha Coolidge
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Deborah Foreman, Elizabeth Daily
What could be worse than an 80’s movie about teen girls and their relationships? Answer: An 80’s movie about teen girls and their relationships with Nicolas Cage! Like, this movie is totally pukesville, ugh omigosh.
A girl from The Valley falls in love with a loser Nicolas Cage from The City, and his punk attitude goes against her friends’ suburban sensibilities, leading to predictable teen drama.
Ugh, I have nothing to say about this movie. I grew up with this kind of shit and I’ll be happy if I never have to see any of these John Hughes angsty teen romance dramas ever again. For that matter, I’ll be happy if I never see another Nicolas Cage movie again.
Leaving Las Vegas (1995)
Directed by: Mike Figgis
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Elisabeth Shue, Julian Sands
All right, fine. I’ll admit that there are now TWO not completely worthless Nic Cage movies out there; this one and Adaptation. I know, I’m as surprised as you are. It’s not even that it’s a good movie that he happens to be in, he can just be really good in the right role, apparently. Damn, I hate admitting that.
An alcoholic screenwriter is fired from his job and decides to go to Las Vegas and drink himself to death. There he meets a prostitute and they start a rocky relationship which quickly self-destructs.
I have a soft spot for stories about alcoholics destroying themselves, and I gotta say that this is… one of those. It gets uncomfortably “real” at points, which I love but also I understand that it is definitely not for everybody. Nic Cage, and again I hate to say this, is really good in this film as this insane drunk, and Elisabeth Shue plays really well off of him.
Directed by: Alex Proyas
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Chandler Canterbury, Rose Byrne
Prophecy, quasi-numerology, AND Nicolas Cage all in the same movie?! It’s like one of my prayers was completely and totally misheard and then answered!
Nic Cage’s son gets a letter out of a time capsule at school which is nothing but a page of numbers. Of course Cage is a professor at MIT and decodes the numbers to be a list of dates, times, and death counts at certain lat/long coordinates. After failing to prevent a couple accidents, he realizes that the last one on the list means that everyone in the world is going to die! Oh no! That’s bad! To make things worse, there are some weird “whisper people” following his son around and being spooky.
I guess they decided they didn’t want just a normal disaster movie, so they added in some more traditional horror elements to even the thing out? Unfortunately, the end result is that they never really explore the scary elements as much as they really should to make the audience remember about them or care, and the much lamer disaster/numerology plot drowns it out. Not to say that the spooky horror stuff isn’t lame as well. In the end [SPOILER ALERT] the whisper people turn out to be aliens there to take two kids to a new planet so they can start the human race over again, and it’s just a mind-bogglingly awful way to end ANY movie.