Red Riding Hood XXX (2010)
Directed by: Ashlynn Brooke
Starring: Lexi Belle, James Franko, Danny Mountain
Red Riding Hood is such an old fairy tale, and one we all hear when we’re kids, it’s not surprising at all that there are a million porn versions of it out there. I think this one is specifically “parodying” a more recent film version of the story, but I haven’t seen it. Still, it’s very obvious to see how the situation of an innocent young girl being prayed on by an evil older man with questionable motives can be sexualized. And yet they still fucked it up big time.
You know the story of Red Riding Hood, right? Well, this is the same thing, except the “big, bad wolf” is played by some loser in a black wifebeater and really terrible fake sideburns that keep almost falling off. I know you don’t expect good production values from porn, and I am quite thankful they decided on that over a dude in a fursuit or something horrifying like that, but… come on.
When I sat down to watch a Red Riding Hood porn parody, I told myself the one and only criteria it would need to meet would be if it included the line, “My, what a big cock you have!” and this movie did not. So I give this movie an F-.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer XXX: A Parody (2012)
Directed by: Lee Roy Myers
Starring: Lexi Belle, Rocco Reed, Jessie Andrews
I’ve never seen the Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV show. Okay, let me take that back; I’ve seen most of the first episode, as I once thought I was going to watch through the series to see what all the fuss was about. I can take a lot of really awful shit, but I wasn’t able to deal with an entire episode of Buffy in one sitting, that’s how strongly I disliked it. So to get the proper perspective, I watched this porn parody with my girlfriend, who loves the show.
In an effort to give Buffy “one last night” with her vampire boyfriend, Willow casts a magic spell that gives her a sex dream about him. It misfires and also gives sex dreams to the other two good guys, and it mildly annoys them all before they go to fight a trio of teen vampires who’ve snuck into an abandoned warehouse and killed a janitor. They slay the vampires after letting them have like seventy hours of lesbian sex together.
According to my girlfriend, the characterization in this film was spot on in regards to the source. Not only that, but she said that the plot was similar in tone to an episode of the show, which I guess explains why it was retarded. As for the sex, well, they’re all pretty much exactly the same, just like every porn movie nowadays. I guess I’m jaded, but after watching some older porn films and comparing them to this, there was a hell of a lot more variety before every sex scene became the same six positions in the same order with the same finish every single time, the only difference being the people performing in the scenes. So I guess it’s kinda like Shakespeare.
Superman XXX: A Porn Parody (2011)
Directed by: Axel Braun
Starring: Jeremy Bilding, Andy San Dimas, Alexis Texas
So today I reviewed a Batman/Superman movie and a Batman movie, so I figured to even it out I had to watch another Superman movie, too! Unfortunately, all I had left was this porn parody… It’s rough being me, obviously.
Superman, who is a man who can fly and has x-ray vision and is strong I guess, saves Metropolis from a missile fired at it by Lex Luthor for no reason. For some reason, this causes three evil Kryptonians to appear and rape Lois Lane, believing her to be the supreme ruler of Earth. Superman beats them up and banishes them to the Negative Zone, then has good ol’ American consensual sex with Lois Lane. GOD BLESS AMERICA!
I gotta give this movie one thing… I never would’ve imagined that there’d be rape in a Superman movie. Seems a little too dark, even for the gritty 80’s kinda thing that even Supes went through. But hey, that’s why Axel Braun is the king of the comic book porn parody movie, he takes CHANCES! Those chances are having superheroes have sex, but it GETS RESULTS, DAMMIT! Also, James Deen is pretty funny as Jimmy Olsen, who gets head in a janitor’s closet because the girl thinks that they’re about to be killed by a missile. “Wow, Superman just stopped the missile!” “You mean I’m sucking your dick for nothing?” “Uh… oh no… a… second missile. We’re doomed.”