3 Days to Kill (2014)

3 days to kill3 Days to Kill (2014)

Directed by: McG

Starring: Kevin Costner, Hailee Steinfeld, Connie Nielsen

one-star

Apparently this movie was directed by famous Scottish rapper MC G, well known for his other smash hits like Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle and the music video for The Offspring’s “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy). Not sure how he convinced Costner to be in a movie he didn’t also direct and produce and write and gaff, but he really shouldn’t have bothered.

Kevin Costner, 59 years old, is the most amazing super spy James Bond style guy ever. Unfortunately, he also has cancer, and only three months left to live. He decides to reunite with his estranged family after being kicked out of the CIA. His teenage daughter wants nothing to do with him, and to make things even more awkward, a hot young goth girl hires him to kill an albino in return for giving him an experimental cure (for cancer! That you just inject into your blood like, four times!), all the while disgustingly trying to get into his haggard cowboy pants. Will Costner reconnect with his daughter (his wife is estranged too, but he doesn’t seem to care)? Will he find and kill the bad guy and a hundred other vaguely connected people while asking them for relationship advice? Will he find time for naps in between shootouts? The answer to all these questions and more, is yes.

It’s kinda like they took two completely different movies together. There’s the actiony Jason Statham style secret agent fighting terrorists bit, then he turns right around and it’s a soulful family film about a deadbeat dad trying to make his teen daughter like him. AND BOTH OF THEM ARE DONE POORLY. Old Kevin Costner is not the guy to star in your shoot-em-up action movie, first off, and if you’re going to do the tired cliche of a dad with a past trying to make his estranged daughter like him, for the love of god do something, ANYTHING different with the tired premise. At least it’s only about two hours long, when I saw the words “Kevin Costner” I bundled up for the winter, expecting it to be 3 or 5 hours at least.

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