Rise of the Guardians (2012)

rise of the guardiansRise of the Guardians (2012)

Directed by: Peter Ramsey

Starring: Hugh JackmanAlec BaldwinIsla Fisher

one-star

My boss actually made me watch this piece of shit. She insisted that it was a cute and fun kids’ movie, which I could tell was clearly not true just from seeing the trailer, but I wouldn’t be able to fully deconstruct just how awful of a film it was without seeing the damn thing first. I suffer just so I can be a smug dick to people I work with. You should be glad you’re only having to interact with me over the internet.

So here’s the deal: The Boogeyman is out to give all kids in the world nightmares and/or kill them, so the Man in the Moon calls together a task force consisting of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the Sandman, and Jack Frost to stop him. All of these characters are wacky and stick very closely to a well-known character archetype and are portrayed as all being amazingly badass for some reason. Fucking why.

Every single angstrom of this film contains a hundred “wrong” things. There are no redeeming qualities. Instead of cute, it hits both incredibly dark and creepy. Instead of being fun in any way, it’s mostly just got Hugh Jackman yelling at people. Alec Baldwin does a Russian voice for a tattooed Santa Claus in what I honestly believe is his worst performance of his career. Don’t see this movie, burn it. There should be a factory recall for this movie, then they should just dig a big ol’ hole and put all the DVDs in there because the EPA said so. It’s very bad.

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About Reid

Born in a dumpster, died in a fire. View all posts by Reid

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