Virgin Territory (2007)

virgin territoryVirgin Territory (2007)

Directed by: David Leland

Starring: Hayden Christensen, Mischa Barton, Ryan Cartwright

one-star

From the poster and the advertising, you might think that this movie is something like American Pie, but set in the renaissance. In fact, I think that exact phrase is somewhere in one of the posters I saw, and it couldn’t be more misleading. If anything, it’s a little more like an immature version of A Knight’s Tale, only instead of Heath Ledger, you get Hayden Christensen. If you’re already feeling bad, you’re going in the right direction.

During the black plague, an evil knight guy (Tim Roth) wants to marry the princess and take over her kingdom now that her dad’s dead. She wants to marry the roguish Christensen, who is of course Tim Roth’s arch-nemesis. Now, that’s the main plot, but most of the movie deals with a nunnery full of horny nuns who hire gardeners so they can bang them. You didn’t see that coming, did you?

There are some dumb jokes about banging milkmaids and being sold into sexual slavery, but on the whole this is a version of Robin Hood with completely unnecessary sex scenes splashed throughout. Why would you want to watch this movie? Perhaps for the scene where a captive woman makes her gang of would-be rapists line up by penis size? Or for the wacky narrator who pretends to be a priest and tries to prolong a wedding ceremony so the hero has time to ride in to the rescue? No? Neither of those sound good? Well, when you’re right, you’re right, and there is actually no reason to want to watch this movie. Thank you for playing.

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