Directed by: Tommy Wirkola
Starring: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Peter Stormare
I stand firmly by my statement that 2013 was one of the worst years for movies in history, and all I really need to do is gesture to Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, and you’ll just sheepishly try not to make eye contact and kick at pebbles and say “okay yeah, there is that…” and we will both know any further debate will just be a waste of both of our time. That’s my little skit about us talking about 2013 movies in real life, which I for some reason just wrote down and published on the internet. I hate this movie.
Hansel and Gretel are kids dropped off in the woods by their parents who find a candy house with a witch inside, so they brutally slaughter the witch and this starts their career as professional witch slaughterers. It’s okay though, because the witches will randomly murder anybody for literally no reason whatsoever. Also, in this movie, witches are all very obviously evil monsters, and yet people still try to burn normal women as witches because they’re impossibly stupid. Speaking of impossibly stupid, the main conflict of the film is that there’s a blood moon and the witches need to kidnap 12 different little girls for a potion that will make them all immune to fire forever, and Hansel and Gretel have to blow their heads off with shotguns to save the innocent children. Because it turns out fire is really not necessary to kill them or anything, so I don’t really get what the big deal is for the witches.
I kinda wish I had actually kept track of how many heads explode in this movie, because it’s gotta be in the 20-30 range, at least. And more than half of those are caused by the good guys. There’s no sort of internal logic as to what special thing needs to be done to kill witches, why witches normally operate the way they do, why Hansel and Gretel are well known witch hunters or why that’s even a thing, why there are a billion fucking witches in Germany, where the retarded advanced weaponry came from, why… to make a long story short, this movie doesn’t give a shit about its own plot and only cares about blowing people’s heads up. I guess this is what American audiences want these days because it made $225 million in theaters, so keep it coming, Hollywood! I guess there’s no way people will stop going to see literally the laziest bullshit you could slap together as long as people die in grisly ways! BUT DON’T YOU PUT NO BOOBIES IN NO MOVIES YOU’LL GO TO HELL MOTHERFUCKER!!!