The Lone Ranger (2013)

lone rangerThe Lone Ranger (2013)

Directed by: Gore Verbinski

Starring: Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer, William Fichtner

two-stars

Well, let’s start with the most obvious thing first: Disney really really wanted this movie to be the next Pirates of the Caribbean. Same director, same star, same attitude… only they chose such a perplexing property to use. A dark, grim remake of the Lone Ranger? Really? That’d be like doing a gritty reboot of Superman! Who would be that fucking stupid to– oh. Right.

A bad guy comes into a western town and only one Texas ranger survives his initial attack, barely. An insane Native American named Tonto nurses him back to health and teams up with him because a horse tells him to. Together they hunt down the bad guy and blow up things and shoot people and beat people up and there’s a shocking twist where it turns out that the guy in charge of the railroad expansion is ALSO a bad guy!

Honestly, if they had tried to make this movie fun and kinda corny and kept the Lone Ranger as just a good guy, it would’ve been a lot better. Hell, it may even have been like they were wanting it to be. But instead they have the Lone Ranger pistol whipping people and Helena Bonham Carter as a prostitute with a gun for a leg and a boring, well-traveled western story as the backbone of the plot. The movie isn’t fun, it’s gritty and dark and explosion-based. Johnny Depp is fine, even though it’s weird that he’s playing Tonto (and at least it’s better than Dead Man), but that’s about all you can say about it. It reminded me more of Jonah Hex than Pirates of the Caribbean, which is probably not what they were going for.

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