Scary Movie 5 (2013)

scary movie 5Scary Movie 5 (2013)

Directed by: Malcolm D. Lee, David Zucker

Starring: Simon Rex, Ashley Tisdale, Charlie Sheen

one-star

So normally I do a year-in-review thing on the first of the year for the best movies I saw in that year made that year, but I only watched ten 2013 movies last year and they were all bad, so fuck it. Fuck you, 2013, you were bad at movies and you always will be.

An idiot and his ballerina girlfriend adopt his dead brother’s two children who were lost in the woods for a few months; enough time for them both to become feral and permanently dirty. They say that they’re being taken care of by a ghost named “Mama”, so the adults cover the house in cameras and try to find the evil book in a cabin in the woods that would be the thing to make Mama go away. Also, the ballerina is trying to get the lead role in Swan Lake, and the idiot guy is working on a formula to make a monkey intelligent, but neither of those subplots have anything to do with anything.

The movie is basically a combination of Mama, Paranormal Activity, Black Swan, Evil Dead (the new one, of course), Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and Charlie Sheen having sex with Lindsay Lohan. Also, it was mind-numbingly terrible in every respect. I can go on and on about how parody movies have no idea what they’re doing anymore, but I’ve already done that. Several times. Instead, let me talk about the one thing in this film I actually did find interesting: There was a surprising amount of stop-motion and practical effects. I can only assume this was due to a severely limited CGI budget or maybe the director actually wanted to do something cool but had to make a Scary Movie movie? Then again, apart from Zucker (who was uncredited), the director was the same guy who brought us Soul Men, so that seems pretty unlikely. I guess Snoop Dogg was okay in this movie, for the two scenes he was in.

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About Reid

Born in a dumpster, died in a fire. View all posts by Reid

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