Monsters University (2013)

monsters universityMonsters University (2013)

Directed by: Dan Scanlon

Starring: Billy Crystal, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi

two-stars

Remember Monsters Inc.? No? Well it’s that one mediocre Pixar movie where some monsters had to take care of a little girl or something like that I think. Anyway, throw away everything you may or may not have remembered about that movie, and instead remember Animal House, because that’s what this is! Animal House with a little bit of… no, it’s just Animal House.

At “Monsters University”, monsters go to learn how to scare children so they can harvest their screams, and these screams power everything in the monster world like electricity does for us. I just like repeating this because this is such a horrifying and metal idea and they make it seem really cutsey and skim over how terrible it really is. Anyway, Billy Crystal and John Goodman are both young college students who are not at all 60+ years old each and they compete against each other to be the best scarers around, but they accidentally get kicked out of school by the evil dean (Helen Mirren) and they have to join the lamest fraternity around and turn their team of wacky losers into the best of the best and win the “scare games” to get back into school.

It’s amazingly predictable, cliche, and boy howdy is it toyetic. Disney must be so proud of this product they’ve produced, and the guys at Pixar must be ecstatic that they all have enough money to buy houses on boats in parts of the world where they don’t even have movie theaters so they never have to accidentally see this film being advertised and face the shame. I’d be ashamed as hell if I made a formulaic college movie and it wasn’t even just a thinly veiled excuse to show a bunch of young girls naked. At least that you can respect, this is just pathetic. We’ve all been seeing the death of Pixar since it was bought by the mouse, and at this point it’s pretty obvious that there’s nothing good left to come out of that once-great production house. Oh well, all good things must pass.

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