Directed by: Baz Luhrmann
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Carey Mulligan, Joel Edgerton
I wanted to watch more movies made in 2013 this year, you know, just for the sake of trying to stay current and to give the theaters a chance, but every time I did it ended up being something like this wretched dog turd. How am I supposed to try when the filmmakers aren’t even bothering. “That guy who made that shitty ‘modernized’ Romeo + Juliet movie wants to do The Great Gatsby in the same style? Yeah, whatever, I gotta focus on these stamps I’m organizing.”
DiCaprio plays the titular character, a rich guy who pulled himself up by the bootstraps to become a millionaire and build a giant house across the street from the girl he has a crush on so he can have gigantic parties every night in hopes that she might come by once. She eventually does, but it turns out she’s already married to a different rich guy that got there first, and she didn’t really care who she married, so long as she could be rich and avoid remembering that they have a child. Everybody’s awful in this movie, I guess is the point. The characters, I mean, not the actors (but they are too, actually).
Tobey Maguire plays the narrator and actually spends more time on screen than anyone, despite the fact that his credit isn’t even on the front page of IMDb. Supposedly this is because they knew they’d have to hide the fact that you’re going to be watching his weird plastic face contort into lazy approximations of actual human emotions for three hours, because nobody would willingly sign up for that. The movie takes itself super seriously, despite having sequences that are basically rap music videos (including completely weird and out of place rap songs) while people dressed like a costumer’s wet dream from the 20’s.