Directed by: John Polonia, Mark Polonia
Starring: Bob Dennis, Stevan Anselmi, Robert Thomas
More like The House That Sucked.
Okay, so that’s not my whole review. But that would be kinda funny though, wouldn’t it? Okay fine, I’ll do a real one.
A Stephen King-esque writer goes to stay in a haunted house so he can get inspiration for his next book. He’s Stephen King-esque because this is a story idea stolen directly and blatantly from a million Stephen King stories, and not because of his voluminous work or wearing those dopey huge glasses or anything, btw. Anyway, it turns out the haunted house is actually a haunted house and some ghosts haunt the guy until he pulls out his own eyes and goes downstairs to live in a coffin.
I spoiled the end of the movie because it is the one and only interesting thing in the film, and also because I know you’ll never ever watch this movie. Seriously, I don’t even know how I came across it. It looks like someone’s home movie that accidentally ended up on the internet. It also seems like it was made in the 80’s, but IMDb says it wasn’t released until 2000. If IMDb is right (which isn’t always the case, but it’s usually pretty good), that means this thing was stewing around in someone’s basement for a decade while they worked on it. To get it just right. And this steaming helping of dog shit is what the end result was. Esteemed filmmakers The Polonia Brothers must’ve been so proud.