Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009)

vampire's assistantCirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009)

Directed by: Paul Weitz

Starring: Chris Massoglia, John C. Reilly, Salma Hayek

one-star

This is, no doubt, based on a young adult fantasy series that was made by a calculating money-grubber who decided to make a book directly between Harry Potter and Twilight. It follows that this formula would also lend it to a film series, which I’m sure we’ll be seeing two or three more entries in. Or maybe we got lucky and this movie bombed, despite all the odds.

A teenager steals a spider from a traveling freak show which bites his friend, and to save his life he has to become a half-vampire assistant to John C. Reilly, possibly the worst vampire in film history. His friend always wanted to be a vampire though, and he gets mad at this betrayal and joins the “vampanese”, a group of evil vampires. I’m not making that up, that’s in this stupid movie.

If you absolutely love Wal-Mart brand Harry Potter fantasy schlock, and by market estimates there are quite a few of you who do, you’ll probably love this movie! Personally, I hated myself for even starting the thing in the first place, and there’s a shame attached to that which I fear I’ll never really live down. Haha, just kidding, I’m going to completely forget about this tripe in the span of a week.

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