Directed by: Timur Bekmambetov
Starring: Benjamin Walker, Rufus Sewell, Dominic Cooper
If you can read the title of this film and feel anything other than outright disgust at the current state of humanity that could’ve produced such a thing, than you and I will never, ever get along. Still, as a movie reviewer I should try to put my deep-felt hatred to the side and review it fairleeahahahahaaa dammit, I almost got through all that with a straight face.
As a young boy, Abraham Lincoln’s mother was killed… by a vampire. When he grew up he tried to avenge her death, but found that he was ill-equipped to take out one of the living dead. Taking a friendly vampire as his tutor, he learns the ins and outs of how to kill vampires with a wood axe and then does that a bunch. He decides to put away childish things like killing vampires and go into politics, but after he becomes president, his son is killed by a vampire. Finally he kills the guys responsible for all his problems, and goes on to deliver the Gettysburg Address and blah blah etc.
Really, what do you expect from a movie like this? Do you expect it to be tongue-in-cheek and take a playful stance toward the goofy subject matter? Because if you do, you’re a hopeful fool and what even is your world like? No, they tried the serious angle on the material, and it just comes off like a pack of idiots making a stupid movie and there’s no sign that they think of it as anything but an untold story of one of our founding fathers. It’s fucking terrible.