Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)

abraham lincoln vampire hunterAbraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)

Directed by: Timur Bekmambetov

Starring: Benjamin Walker, Rufus Sewell, Dominic Cooper

one-star

If you can read the title of this film and feel anything other than outright disgust at the current state of humanity that could’ve produced such a thing, than you and I will never, ever get along. Still, as a movie reviewer I should try to put my deep-felt hatred to the side and review it fairleeahahahahaaa dammit, I almost got through all that with a straight face.

As a young boy, Abraham Lincoln’s mother was killed… by a vampire. When he grew up he tried to avenge her death, but found that he was ill-equipped to take out one of the living dead. Taking a friendly vampire as his tutor, he learns the ins and outs of how to kill vampires with a wood axe and then does that a bunch. He decides to put away childish things like killing vampires and go into politics, but after he becomes president, his son is killed by a vampire. Finally he kills the guys responsible for all his problems, and goes on to deliver the Gettysburg Address and blah blah etc.

Really, what do you expect from a movie like this? Do you expect it to be tongue-in-cheek and take a playful stance toward the goofy subject matter? Because if you do, you’re a hopeful fool and what even is your world like? No, they tried the serious angle on the material, and it just comes off like a pack of idiots making a stupid movie and there’s no sign that they think of it as anything but an untold story of one of our founding fathers. It’s fucking terrible.

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