Directed by: Ryan Little
Starring: Danny Glover, Vinnie Jones, Corey Sevier
Do you wonderful people out there in internetland know what “high concept” is? It’s when you take an existing idea, then make one change to it. For instance, Age of the Dragons is the high concept of Moby Dick, but with dragons. The difference is that usually with high concept, you don’t just take the names and lines directly from the original and you try to change it to be slightly interesting. Not here.
A harpooner named Ishmael and his friend Queequeg join up with Captain Ahab (Danny Glover) and his crew of dragon-hunters to hunt down dragons for their “vitriol”, which is used as lamp fuel all across the land. Unfortunately for the crew of the Pequod, a land-based ship thing that kinda looks like a wooden sandcrawler, Ahab is crazy and wants to hunt down the ominous white dragon that killed his sister and his adoptive daughter’s real dad.
The concept seems like it could work… had they spent more than a day on the damn conversion. Lifting lines straight from Moby Dick to put in their shitty fantasy movie seem so incredibly out of place (and are easy to tell because the writing quality is years above and beyond everything else), and making the boat be a land ship basically COMPLETELY DESTROYS THE ENTIRE POINT of that story. And as if the massive flaws in the adaptation aren’t enough, in comes Danny Glover giving not only the worst performance of his career, but somehow also the worst performance of several other actors’ careers. He’s spectacularly bad, it’s almost impressive.