Directed by: Peter Berg
Starring: Taylor Kitsch, Tadanobu Asano, Brooklyn Decker
As a fan of really bad movies, I was actually pretty excited for a movie based on the board game Battleship. I was really certain that it was going to be as bad as Snakes on a Plane was made out to be but never achieved… I was wrong. Battleship is bad in a lot of very boring and common ways, and I feel cheated. Just like whenever I play Battleship (everybody moves their pieces, don’t even fucking lie to me).
During some navy training exercises, an alien fleet of five ships lands on Earth, each one a different size and shape, and four of them land in the ocean. A young punk sailor gains command of a battleship named after the bassist from Led Zeppelin and uses water measurement to guess where the alien ships are, then sinks them one by one. On land, the girlfriend of the main character and an ex-marine with robot legs stop the final ship from transmitting back to its home planet for reinforcements by hitting stuff with stuff a lot.
This movie is really about how horrible an attack would be if the Earth were beset by a fleet of loud noises and explosions. Battleship is Transformers without the “interesting” art design, as much as it pains me to say something like that. There are stretches of film that are nothing but things exploding that last for up to 20 minutes at a time. Really the only nice thing I can say about the film is that when the mindless action is grinding on, at least you don’t have to hear any of the mindless dialogue.