Directed by: John R. Cherry III
Starring: Jim Varney, Cylk Cozart, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar… why? Of all the washed-up basketball players in the world, why did it have to be Kareem that played the angel in Slam Dunk Ernest? That is a real sentence and it is a thing I silently ask myself at night when nobody else is around. Every. Night.
Ernest is a janitor at the mall and wants to join the basketball team the rest of his fellow janitors are on, but he is really terrible at basketball! At least he is before Kareem Abdul-Jabbar appears before him and gives him some magic shoes which make him cartoony and amazing at basketball. Ernest wins tons of games for the team, but he gets tricked by a devil and becomes all stuck-up about his amazing magic shoes. He eventually throws his shoes away to prove to a kid that hard work is really the best way to get anything done, even though literally every other thing Ernest has ever done or will ever do is a testament to how wrong that really is.
See, Ernest is just a dick. Whether it be because of the devil or a machine that makes him smart, he’s just five seconds away from being a total asshole to babies and kittens and old ladies. Fuck Ernest. Fuck him and his terrible stupid movies which I watched because I’m almost as much of an idiot as him.