Directed by: George Freeway
Starring: Sabrina Faire, Jackie Stevens, A.J. Khan
It feels kinda weird marking Sex Hex as a porn movie, since it’s one of those “soft” pornos where you just see boobs and girls writhing around in some gruesome simulacrum of lesbian sex, at least now that I actually review REAL porn on here. It certainly isn’t any other kind of movie, though, and if I defined it as a “comedy”, I think I’d be forced to shoot myself for such an egregious misuse of the word.
A vampire hunter (named Carl! Have you ever heard of a vampire hunter named Carl?! HOW WACKY!!!) sets up shop in an office building, and waits for his first job. Luckily for him, he finds a “new kind” of vampire at totally a completely different office building, who does not have vampire fangs and just has sex with other women and then sucks out their pleasure or something. Carl the Vampire Hunter completely fails to do anything, and then the movie ends.
Why is it that the professional porn industry can be WAY funnier than this shitty softcore porn bullshit? I have never in my life seen a halfway decent softcore porn movie (don’t ask me how many I have seen, because that’ll just make us both sad and uncomfortable), and yet this recent trend of hardcore porn parody films, for example, frequently come up with significantly more entertaining jokes and premises. What’s even the market for a movie like Sex Hex, anyway? I always figured it was just a way for the producers to see girls naked in person when they were too ashamed to pay for a prostitute, but maybe that’s just me being mean.