2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

Directed by: Christopher Ray

Starring: Carmen Electra, Charlie O’Connell, Brooke Hogan

See, this is why I sometimes wish I watch more new movies. Since I’ve only seen three other movies made in 2012 so far, saying that this is the worst movie I’ve seen this year doesn’t carry the kind of weight that it really should. It’s another film by my favorite worst production company ever, The Asylum, and it manages to exceed even the extremely low bar they’ve set for themselves. If they were a team of limboers and not filmmakers, they’d be amazing. Because they wouldn’t be making shitty movies like this, that is.

The brother from Sliders and Carmen Electra bring a group of college kids to an island in the middle of the ocean to learn about astrolabes, but the boat breaks down. To everybody’s surprise, they’re attacked by a shark with two heads, which methodically murders everybody in the vicinity. Can Hulk Hogan’s daughter and a nerd save the day with a plan that couldn’t possibly work by any definition of physics ever devised by man? Of course they can! Yayy!

I’ve never seen a movie with worse continuity or internal logic than 2-Headed Shark Attack. I say this a lot, but literally NOTHING makes ANY sense at all in this movie. The continuity is so bad that you never have any concept of where anybody is in relation to anybody or anything else, every major plot point couldn’t possibly happen (and I’m not talking about the two-headed shark, that I can totally buy. In fact, that was the most sensical decision of the film), and it’s not even that I had to be a massive film nerd to notice this. It was so amazingly jarring that I can’t imagine anyone EVER enjoying this film. They didn’t even make the two-headed shark cool. Of ALL things, don’t fuck up the only reason to watch your festering shithole of a movie. I understand it being cheap, awful CGI, but at least make the CGI kinda match what the actors are doing, and give the monster some cool kills. They didn’t even give the shark two fins, which seems like the most obvious thing to do with this idiotic premise. I’m so angry about this dumb movie, and that just makes it EVEN WORSE.

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