War Horse (2011)

War Horse (2011)

Directed by: Steven Spielberg

Starring: Jeremy Irvine, Emily Watson, David Thewlis

War Horse has been nominated for six Academy Awards this year, and I bet it wins at least three of those. Just based on the fact that it’s Spielberg and it’s about World War I. It’s a fucking dull film, though.

A young dude enlists in the British army because his horse was drafted (and yes, “dude” is completely the correct technical term here. And is totally radical). He undergoes trials and tribulations, and so does his horse, but eventually they wind up back together and go home, victorious in their not being killed in the war.

Maybe I don’t like war movies. Maybe I think that horse movies are a ridiculously narrow subgenre and that they’re all the same. Maybe I enjoy it when THINGS FUCKING HAPPEN IN A MOVIE. But, again, I’m not on the panel for the Academy Awards, and I never will be. Not unless I have a seizure and I can’t watch any movie with less than two horse auctions in it or I will die. If you’re a fan of Black Beauty, watch that movie instead, because it actually builds a relationship between human and horse and is, at the very least, mildly interesting. War Horse is just another bland war movie, only there are animals who acts likes peoples. Spielberg apparently wanted another Oscar and said, “well, we haven’t done any WWI movies in a while, right?” A waste of two and a half hours.

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