Directed by: Mikael Salomon
Starring: Sean Bean, Corey Sevier, Sam Claflin
Man, I hate when lose the future! You always think it’s going to be like, right there, and then it’s nowhere to be found! It’s like every time we’re just about to get to the future, it becomes the present instead. So annoying. That isn’t what this movie is about, of course, I’m just saying things because I feel like it. Hooray for me!
In the future, there has been an apocalypse. Luckily, we’ve skipped the Mad Max post-apocalyptic times and have gone into the much farther caveman post-apocalyptic times. Here, there are monster animals with poison bites and zombies (god save me from the zombies in EVERY DAMN MOVIE), and Sean Bean has some yellow powder that makes him immortal or something. The real story is that there’s a group of teenage cavepersons who adventure through the lush jungles of the post-apocalypse for these magic beans so they won’t die of future poison or whatever.
Yep, zombies. Here I thought I’d be able to escape the zombies in a dumb jungle post-apocalypse movie made for the SyFy channel, but apparently I was living a dumb idiot lie. Am I really going to have to wait another ten years of zombies in everything before the rest of the world gets as tired of them as I am? Maybe I should just stop watching cheap, shitty movies for a while. Haha, I am a funny person. I need a drink. A whole fleet of drinks.