Dolphin Tale (2011)

Dolphin Tale (2011)

Directed by: Charles Martin Smith

Starring: Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd, Harry Connick Jr.

Did you know that Morgan Freeman is only 74 years old? Seems like he’s been in his 60’s for at least thirty years now, I just keep expecting him to finally keel over and rob the world of it’s most impressive wise old black man. I guess he’s in a race with James Earl Jones to see who’ll die first. Though, aren’t we all in that race? Really makes ya think, doesn’t it? Makes you think about… anything other than a dumb kid’s movie about a dolphin.

In this by-the-book children’s story, a young boy comes across a wounded dolphin on a beach and rescues it (with the help of a dolphin recovery squad. Actually, the kid doesn’t really do anything). The dolphin has to have it’s tail amputated, and in an amazing coincidence, the kid’s cousin gets released from the army because of a major injury and is stationed in a military hospital specializing in people with prostheses. Morgan Freeman designs a special artificial tale for the dolphin, and… ohhhhhhhhh, I get it! Dolphin TALE! Like… it’s a story, but it’s also about the thing’s tail! Oh, that’s clever.

You could seriously not make a more formulaic kid’s movie. It even ends with the spunky animal saving the animal hospital because of a fundraiser. I’m convinced that successful fundraisers only exist in this breed of film in the first place, so sticking one in there is just like admitting that you don’t really care whether the film’s interesting or not. I mean, kids don’t give a shit. I watched this with two little kids, and they loved every cookie-cutter minute of it. The moral of the story is that children are idiots. Speaking of which, now I’m done with reviews for today, I don’t have any more excuses not to have to be around them. Fuck Christmas, man.

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