First Dog (2010)

First Dog (2010)

Directed by: Bryan Michael Stoller

Starring: Eric Roberts, Eliza Roberts, John-Paul Howard

America is the greatest country in the world, and here’s why: You can take any job or position in the world and replace the human who does it with a dog, and you have yourself a movie that people will pay to see. This is exactly the thing that our founding fathers wanted.

The president’s dog, after foiling an assassination attempt, gets lost and is found by an orphan boy. Despite being a high profile dog that just SAVED THE PRESIDENT’S LIFE, only the kid recognizes him as the President’s dog, and decides that the right thing to do would be to travel from California to Washington DC and return the dog personally. Along the way he meets all sorts of wacky characters, the most important one being Tiny Lister as a trucker hauling dynamite. Sometimes it feels like I’m making these up, even though I actually saw this shit myself.

My favorite part of this movie is how entirely unnecessary it is. For one thing, NOBODY could catch the damn dog? And another, the president didn’t announce that his dog was missing in fear that people all over the country would pretend to have his dog for reward money… but the dog had one of those implanted tracker chip things, that’s how they find him in the end. SO WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST USE THE FUCKING TRACKER CHIP SHIT IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE?! GOD DAMN YOU, IDIOT MOVIE!

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