Directed by: Simon West
Starring: Angelina Jolie, Jon Voight, Iain Glen
I should admit to something. I managed to spend an adolescence in the 90’s without ever once playing a Tomb Raider game. Not even so much as a try. So I have no idea how well this movie does as far as being based on the game, but I do know that it is not a good movie. In fact… it is a bad movie. Please try to keep up with my complicated metaphors.
Lara Croft is a rich sexy lady who shoots robots and solves puzzles and her butler is Rimmer from Red Dwarf. There’s a planetary alignment (god save me from films that use “planetary alignments” as plot devices) and she has to team up with the Illuminati so she can recover a device that’ll let her change time. All she does with it, though, is save the life of Daniel Craig before she destroys it. Possibly the worst ever use of an all-powerful time travel device.
This is a dumb action movie where they spend as much time trying to keep Angelina Jolie’s bouncing action boobs in the shot as they do giving her CGI monsters to shoot. Unfortunately, plot and character fall by the wayside due to this technique. Wait, what am I saying? “Unfortunately”? Who fucking cares. It’s Tomb Raider, not fucking Casablanca.