Directed by: Darrell Van Citters
Starring: Danny Katiana, Phil Lollar, Alicyn Packard
Wow. Really? I mean… Chop Kick Panda? They knew they were going to get attention for this, right? Not even the fucking Asylum is that obvious with their ripoff grandma-confusing film titles. Actually, I take it back, I just remembered I Am Omega.
Chop Kick Panda is a completely new intellectual property about a panda who is a janitor at a dojo who one day dreams of being a mighty warrior and savior of the Earth. Some evil lions try to steal an ancient medallion from the dojo, and the panda learns that the power was inside him all along. Oh, and his kid and some friends are there for a sleepover, for some reason.
No, Chop Kick Panda is not as good as Kung Fu Panda. Why would you even ask that? It’s some shitty, 45-minute long flash animation by the studio that brought us the classic show Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi. Do I really even need to review this? There’s no character development, there are several B-plots that start but never go anywhere, there’s a pretty large section near the end of the film which doesn’t even come close to making sense, and fully half the movie is a janitor teaching children to mop. I’m getting it for everyone this Christmas. Maybe they’ll think I’ve got early-onset Alzheimer’s and I won’t have to work anymore.