Directed by: John Murlowski
Starring: Hulk Hogan, Don Stark, Robin Curtis
I watched (and reviewed!) this movie back in ’07, which was unfortunately a few months before I started this blog. So… I had to watch it again. For posterity. Fuck you, posterity, you’re going to make me watch all these terrible Hulk Hogan movies from my childhood again.
Hogan plays a bodybuilding millionaire who gets amnesia and thinks that he’s Santa Claus. He befriends an orphanage run by Garrett Morris and helps protect them against Ed Begley Jr.’s thugs. Yes, Ed Begley Jr. has thugs. He’s another millionaire, and he wants the vast caves of quartz crystals beneath the orphanage. You see, if you smash a big quartz crystal against an idiot in a Santa Claus costume, it explodes in a shower of sparks, and thus quartz is very expensive. This movie is weird.
Hulk Hogan really is the greatest actor of our time, or really, of any time. And by any time, I mean the 90’s, mostly. And be greatest, I mean he’s fucking terrible, but he’s so terrible he’s also incredibly entertaining. I think I went through a phase when I was 11 or 12 where I wanted to watch every Hulk Hogan movie, because they were just so fucking bad. See, it’s not my fault that I love watching bad movies, it’s genetic!