Milk & Money (1996)

Milk & Money (1996)

Directed by: Michael Bergmann

Starring: Robert Petkoff, Sarah Winkler, Denise Faye

I don’t know who said this, but I remember hearing somewhere that people don’t like a character who always has things go right for him, unless it’s wrong for him to have gone right. Well, whoever that was, I completely agree, and I’ll use Milk & Money as an objective example.

Our main character is this rich kid who decides to drop out of medical school (which he tells us several unnecessary times), and on that day he meets a woman who asks him to hold a box for her, and a woman with a rich uncle who hires him to vaguely work on a movie with her. He helps the uncle with a cow situation, sleeps with a nymphomaniac adultress and her friends, and falls in love with the uncle’s mistress, played by the world’s most famous praying mantic, Calista Flockhart! Also, there’s a special appearance by Peter Boyle as the homeless cow-transfer-paperwork expert.

If I made any of that sound funny at all, it’s because I managed to extract the thick coating of syrupy smarm that pervaded every minute of this movie. There’s no conflict in this film except for “oh no, I had sex with these two women who want me, and there’s another one who also wants me but I haven’t had sex with her yet, but I’m in love with this prostitute!” And everyone is always okay with any handling of any situation, everyone starts happy and ends happy… It’s just this ego-stroking masturbation on the part of writer/director Michael Bergmann, and I don’t want to see it, and neither does anyone else.

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